round one

by bofa xesjum

> achilles was a hero billy the kid was an outlaw christopher columbus was the ——— worst person who ever lived delilah as a woman ernest hemingway was the ——— greatest writer of the twentieth century f scott fitzgerald was the —————— greatest writer of the twentieth century george weashington rode a white horse houdini was a magicuian’ iskander wept by the river j k rrowling was the ——— worst person who ever lived knig arthur was sad labcelot was not much fun moses wandered in the desert nero was an empoeror ossian was a bard prester john was a bard and an emperor queen victoria had a castle in scotland robin hood was an outlaw samson was a man turn out the lights understanding is the fruit virtue is the tree the wind bloweth whee it listeth excuse my ignorance yeti did his own thing zorioaster was a prophet

happy song

by horace p sternwall

johnny went down to the station to buy his poor dog a bone on his way he met hercules, carrying a heavy stone hercuiles, said johnny, why do you come on so strong why don’t you put down that rock, and sing a happy song? hercules responded, in his patented way why must i listen to this garbage all day? the world has mistreated me, since the dawn of time for every nickel you take from me, i want back a dime john d rockefeller walked the street and covered miles without missing a beat he never said hello, or had anything to say but used his white privilege to make money every day adolf hitler watched the skies his hair fell down across his eyes he had a mustache he could not curl and destroyed the earth because he could not get a girl bobo raised rattlesnakes, bozo raised pigs they drank cheap whiskey and wore blond wigs they lived in the countryside, far from the crowd and hated each other but never said so out loud in a little town on the coast of spain on the corner of 201st street and main a banana and an apple sold shares of stock in a bridge from gibraltar to plymouth rock the same old story, over again when women were women, and men were men adam sold apples, and eve sold trees and peter pan was left swinging in the breeze one, two, three, four, five,, six, seven, eight, nine. ten omar khayyam was the saddest of men his jug was empty and his poems would not rhyme he fell in the river and was covered with slime

robin

by horace p sternwall

roses are red lilies are white robin was a robber and rode through the night roses are red bluebonnets are blue he rode like the wind and his aim was true the trees are old the leaves are new the grass is green the sky is blue kingdoms rise and empires fall there is always an outlaw to answer the call

crack - 26. dark highway

by nick nelson

part 26 of 26

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want a lift? sure. thank you. where you headed? away. how far away? aways. i am headed that way myself. good. maybe quite aways, maybe not so quite aways. better and better. can i ask you a question? go for it. are you on a mission? um - no, i wouldn’t say so. i am. i’m impressed. an ancient and honorable mission - vengeance. on everybody that’s ever done me wrong. and that’s a lot of people. i am sorry to hear that. sorry that you were done wring, i mean. my name is slim, by the way, just slim? slim i usually from some place, like omaha slim, or madagascar silim, or lithuania slim, or wherever. i used to be but now i am just slim. it’s more anonymous that way. i guess so. this sure is a dark highway. highway’s always been dark. i don’t know. i read somewhere it used to be bustling. the spinal cord or the life blood of civilization or something like that. shouldn’t believe anything you read. always been dark as far back as i know, and that’s a long time. i defer to your judgment and experience. defer, that’s a good twenty dollar word. what ’s your name, by the way? smith - bill smith. the end

crack - 25. after all

by nick nelson

part 25 of ?

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a lazy afternoon at the police station. friday was trying to clean up her pending files as best she could before her day off. she had sent a message to william wilson two days earlier informing him that the thirty day period he had to appeal the closing of his case had expired, and asking him to acknowledge that he had received her notice. not that it was necessary that he send a response - the case was closed anyway - but she would have liked to have it in the file. he had not responded. that is odd, she thought. i know his type - persistent, and at least wanting to get the last word in. something is off here. she sent him another message, ending - mister wilson please respond. two hours later, when she was ready to leave, he had not answered . very strange, she thought. according to him, he has no job, and nothing to do all day. she decided to drop in on him on her way home. * there were no cars parked outside bill smith’s house. friday knew william did not have a car or a license to drive one, but bill smith probably did. did he drive into the city to his office? she rang the doorbell. twice. no answer. she had not expected one. she tried the door. it opened. she went inside there was a small kitchen to her right. it looked neat and clean, probably not used much. there was a small room to her left with a couch and a coffee table, and two closed doors beyond that. she knocked on both doors. no answers. she tried the first door. it was locked. she tried the second door. it opened. william was lying face up on a small bed. friday saw right away that he was dead. there were no signs of violence or struggle. but there was a small yellow post-it note stuck on his shirt front. on it was scrawled , in what looked like deliberately “clumsy” handwriting - got ya! so, someone had been after him after all. is this the end - or the beginning? friday called constantine. next

crack - 24. corpus delicti

by nick nelson

part 24 of ?

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we got you this time, slim, old buddy. got you good. so why don’t you just come clean and save us all a lot of trouble? you got nothing on me, agent. nothing. no corpus delicti. nothing. we have the truck and you sitting in it. fred fifty-two’s truck. and we know fred fifty-two had the money. so, the question is, where is the money. i told you how i got the truck. if you don’t want to believe me, that is your problem and i never heard of fred fifty-two. yes, you were walking down the road, and little jack horner came along with the truck and gave it to you because he did’t know how to drive it. ha ha. at least it is kind of original. there you go. i could not have made it up. that is what they all say. i got nothing more to say. agent jones nodded to deputy brown, who was standing behind slim. take him away. how far back in the jail? way back. way, way back. someone will pay for this. doesn’t sound like my problem. next

crack - 23. filling up

by nick nelson

part 23 of ?

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bill slowly wended his way home after his interview at the address on the piece of paper given to him by jared jones of the office of the special counsel on social functionality. his route was different fro the one he usually took, and he passed many unfamiliar buildings. he came to a small coffee shop labeled simply, coffee shop. he went inside and ordered a chocolate latte and a strawberry scone, two items he was not in the habit of purchasing. when he exited the coffee shop, with his purchases, night was falling. he reached his house without incident. he noticed that the light in william wilson’s room was on. he unlocked the front door and went inside and knocked on wiilliam’s door. william opened the door immediately with a slightly puzzled look on his face, as his rent was not due. i have news for you, bill announced inn his forthright way. oh? william did not invite bill inside. he never did. i am going away. i am not coming back. are you selling the house.? or will i send you the rent somewhere? neither. i am just going away. i realize this is sudden. william shrugged. what happens to me? you can stay here if you can. you will have to pay the power bill when it comes due, if you want it to stay on. william considered this. does a bill come in the mail? no, but they will let you know when my payments stop. do you know where the power office is? i can find it. can i pay them in cash? i do not know why not. william considered this too. what about taxes? same thing so far as i know. if they want money, you will hear from them. . all right. thanks for telling me. you are welcome. goodbye. it was a pleasure doing business with you. the cracks are filling up, william said. bill did not respond to this cryptic statement, nodded and took his leave. he went to his own room, finished his chocolate latte and strawberry scone, and went to bed. next

crack - 22. an unexpected visitor

by nick nelson

part 22 of ?

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bill arrived at his office ten minutes early, as he usually did, with a coffee, and as it was thursday, a jelly donut. as soon as he sat down at his desk the red light on his intercom went on. red signaled a message from an official agency higher than human resources. smith 5023 here. good morning, bill. my name is jared jones, and i am from the office of the special counsel on social functionality. can you spare me a moment or two? of course. thank you. i will be right up the red light went off. bill took a sip of his coffee and a bite of his donut and the door opened. jared jones wore a gray suit and a blue tie. he sat down without being invited. good morning. bill. i hope i find you well. very well, thank you. yourself? i am functioning. let s get down to it. let’s. you are being promoted. bill nodded. to a highly sensitive position. and not one that you can refuse. as you will be privy to very sensitive information. bill took a sip of hi coffee. i am flattered. you should be. we have been observing you for a long time. of course, we observe everybody all the time, or at least try to. can i ask what this sensitive information is? all in good time. of course, what was i thinking? it was a natural reflex. do not worry about it. will i still work from this office.? no, but your new location will only be down the street - and with a much better view of the city and the universe. will i keep my place of residence? we will find you a better one. do you have any objection? no. good. how long should i continue here, with this job? until the end of the month. but take time next tuesday to report to this address for a briefing. jared jones handed a small slip of paper to bill, and stood up. any questions? no. bill stood up and saw jared jones out the door. the first unit of the day, a young woman wearing a green hat with a picture of a growling bear on it, was seated in the small waiting room, sorry to keep you waiting, bill told her. i just got here. i thought i was early. please, come on in. next

crack - 21. little red wagon

by nick nelson

part 21 of ?

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damn. damn. i just can not lift this thing. oh well. maybe i should just give up - again. if i stick around here someone - iike the police - will surely come along. and ask questions. suddenly a bear emerged from the woods. it ignored william and made straight for the box. it picked the box up and headed back into the woods. i might as well follow it. the bear, with the box on its shoulder, seemed to know where it wanted to go. william followed it down a path he could barely see but the bear seemed to know well. they came to a clearing. there was a house in the clearing. thee were no lights on in the house. a pickup truck on blocks sat in the small cleared space beside the house. as william got closer he saw that the windows of the house had bars on them. the bear took the box and smashed one of the windows with it . it kept smashing until the bars gave way. then it dropped the box - dropped the box! - and climbed through the window. to willliam it seemed a pretty tight fit, especially considering the broken glass and twisted metal, but somehow the bear got through. then he noticed something else. when the ear dropped the box it landed, not on the ground, but on a little red wagon sitting under the window. william tugged at the wagon. and tugged harder. the wagon moved! he could hear the bear stomping around in the house. it sounded like it was picking things up and throwing them. like it was busy. it is worth a try. if the bear comes out and wants the wagon and the box back i can always run. i think.. ' next

crack - 20. the edge

by nick nelson

part 20 of ?

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the prisoners in their gray uniforms reached the end of the corridor and burst through a door into sunshine. they began shouting happily. and laughing and pounding each other on the back. except for he man who had reached for the credit card and awakened in the windowless room. he was an outsider among these happy laughing comrades. he wondered if he should ask them who they were. they did not seem to be concerned that whoever had imprisoned them would reappear and try to capture them. he wondered if he should try to slip away unnoticed and resume his solitary wanderings. but as his eyes adjusted to the sunlight he saw that they were standing at the edge of a flat plain that stretched to the edge of the universe. the other escapees began addressing each other by name, one of them was quog. another was yobby. yet another was henry dogbone. the alpha leader seemed to be a chap called iskander. all right fellows, iskander shouted, that is enough! let’s get lined up and ready to move out. squads, form! the escapees fell silent and began moving around. the man who had reached for the credit card and awakened in the winndowless room did not know what to do. suddenly he remembered his own name. joe. joe something. iskander’s eye fell on joe, who was standing alone with his mouth hanging open. who the devil are you? iskander demanded. i don’t know, joe confessed. a spy! somebody shouted. a stoolie! another cried. joe started to run. next

crack - 19. fate

by nick nelson

part 19 of ?

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the lights of the truck were long gone. william walked along. a raindrop fell on his head. then another. and another. then they stopped. well, that is something, anyway. it sure is dark. i hope i do not step in a hole. one foot in front of another. and another. i think i see something. a light? it is not very bright. it is a light. one of the tail lights on the truck. * the truck had crashed and was tipped over on the side of the road, with the driver side closer to the ground, there was no sign of slim. william looked in the cab. slim was in it. he was not moving. wlliiam did not want to touch him or try to see if he were dead or alive. what about the box? the box that might or might not have a million dollars in it? it was still in the back of the truck. it must be fate that i am meant to have it, wiliam thought. with some effort, he tipped it out on to the ground. it landed with a heavy thud. it did not look as if it had been opened, nor had the fall to the ground damaged it or dented it. it must be fate that i am meant to have it, one way or another. next