resignation

by nick nelson

good evening, fellow citizens of the world. as you have no doubt been led to expect, i am resigning, effective immediately, my position as under-secretary of cultural-financial coordination of the central sector. some of my long time assistants have thoughtfully written a speech for me for this occasion. in this speech i confess to being the worst person who has ever lived, worse even than a certain personage with a small mustache, and another certain personage with orange hair. i express my deep sense of shame at bringing disgrace to my family, to the central sector, to the human race, and to all the creatures of the earth, for my uniquely monstrous and unforgivable actions, and i apologize once again to my accuser, citizen yk-564, for my unspeakable behavior, fully realizing how pathetically inadequate any apology can ever be, but i have decided to toss the speech aside and instead say what i really think. to, to use an old-fashioned expression, speak from the heart. i am a pathetic moron, driven by impulses i can neither comprehend or control, wandering helplessly through a dark and constantly shifting world. as are all of you. i know nothing. and you, my accusers and victims, know less than nothing, as you do not know that you know nothing. let me tell you a story. a story of how i came to be here today, a story, perhaps, of how we all came to be here today. maybe a few of you out there will find it illuminating. cut him off. don’t you want to hear his story? no. why not? i already know it. it is my story, too, and yours and everybody else’s. just cut him off. all right. done.