The Couch

Excerpts From The Session:

My first session with the Doctor went fairly well.
He had some interesting comments and seemingly, unorthodox procedures.
I was lying on the couch and describing a reoccurring dream when I looked at him and said:

"This couch is a little crowded with both of us on it."
He replied:
"It's just easier for me to take notes from here."
Me: "Good point, but where is your pen and paper?"
Doctor: "I am letting my subconscious do the note taking today."
(AHHH...of course, I thought, that's pure genius)

The session breezed by, and before I knew it my hour was up.
(09/13/2009)



Excerpts From The Session:

I started out my second session with the Doctor by staring at the floor for the first ten minutes or so.
Not looking up, I said "All I want to do lately is smoke and eat cheesecake."
The doctor replied, "It sounds like you might be in love."
Me: "I was, I am, I..............I was, but he loves someone else and to tell you the truth, I'm beginning to think I just imagined the whole thing."
Doctor: "HMMM"
Me: "How can you tell the difference between reality and fantasy?"
Doctor: "Reality is what you can see and feel, fantasy is what you want to see and feel."
Me: "I don't want to talk about this anymore."

The doctor said a little morphine would take my mind off the subject.
As he slipped the newly written prescription between my legs he said,
"Let's spend the rest of your time working on a concept I call the Pleasure Principle."
(09/14/2009)



Excerpts From The Session:

Joining session three already in progress:

DOCTOR: green...
ME: asparagus
DOCTOR: food...
ME: mouth
DOCTOR: oral...
ME: cigarette
DOCTOR: smoke...
ME: kipper

DOCTOR: "I think that is enough word association for today. Your responses indicate that you have a mild case of penis envy."
ME: "Really? I thought that it sounded more like an overt case of oral fixation."
The doctor smiled, raised his left eyebrow and said,
"Well they both go hand in hand. Let's start our next session exploring penis envy in depth."
A small laugh escaped from my mouth before I could reply,
"This is going to be our last session together."
DOCTOR: "Oh...and tell me why?"
ME: "For one, I don't agree with most of your diagnoses. But...most importantly, I believe your wife is trying to poison me."
He slowly strokes his beard for a minute and then responds,
"Yes, I think she is."
(10/17/2009)

No Standing Allowed - A True Story (Whitey RIP)

Part 1
(09/21/09)

i was out for a walk the other morning
engrossed in thoughts of art and sex (the usual)
when this albino squirrel approached me
he asked for directions to the nearest cash machine
after i explained the way
he thanked me

but before he left he said

"By the way, did you know that you're not wearing any pants?"
i looked down
and he was right
so i took out my notebook and wrote

Part 2

(10/10/09)

so i was out walking around

not really thinking about too much

ok that's not true

it had snowed the night before

i was weaving back and forth

trying to avoid getting my feet wet

when i stopped

it was the albino squirrel

frozen dead in the middle of the road

i paused and reflected for a minute

on life and death

then i looked around

bent down

and took his wallet

as i walked away

i thought

"that's the last time you'll ever point out that i'm not wearing pants"