Pages

Saturday, November 15, 2025

terrible 2


by horace p sternwall



long ago, when the world was young
adam had a stick and eve had a tongue
adam knocked apples off the trees
and eve hurled imprecations into the breeze

the sun comes up, the moon goes down
a dog and a monkey went to town
they passed an elephant and a cow
tripped on a rock, and were hitched to a plow

the earth blew up and turned into a rocket
adam put eve in his back pocket
she hit him on the head with a frying pan
and they went into orbit over disneyland

i got an a i companion and a giant squid
in a secret passage in my left eyelid
the rules are rules, but not for me
because all i want is to be free



Thursday, November 6, 2025

terrible


by horace p sternwall



adam smith and a zebra
known as old bill
operated a yogurt stand
on top of a windy hill

delilah never baked brownies
or painted her toenails blue
or cut off samson’s curly locks
those stories are all untrue

columbus was a sailor bold
and nailed his colors to the mast
things went his way for a little while
but he knew they could not last

genghis khan liked apples
so he went for a little walk
when he discovered the garden of eden
he received a terrible shock

the serpent was gone
and left a note behind
saying, nothing is real
but i don't mind

genghis chewed on a straw
and sat on a leaf
and prayed for rain
but got no relief

noah came by
with a hammer and a nail
wearing a yellow ribbon
and got thrown in jail

the river rose
but the creek ran dry
i will sing a new song
by and by



Sunday, November 2, 2025

haberdasher


by horace p sternwall



harry jones was a haberdasher
and a good one at that
some said he was thin
and some said he was fat

some said he was a family man
and quiet evenings at home enjoyed
others that he liked his drink
and played poker with the boys

some said he was a democrat
others a republican true
harry said it didn’t matter
how about you?

some thought harry had a secret
and wrote the great american novel in his sleep
others were more circumspect
and did not think he was so deep

some folks said that harry
was descended from the kings of spain
when he was asked about it
he winked, and winked again

just who harry really was
remains a mystery
one thing you can say for sure -
all he wanted was to be free



Monday, October 13, 2025

lonely


by horace p sternwall



people are lonely
so they say
they got together
back in the day

at circuses
and county fairs
and churches
where they said their prayers

they had their ways
and they had their isness
and everybody
knew everybody’s business

everybody
was everybody’s brother
maybe they got a bit
tired of each other

then some genius
invented a new invention
that changed the world
and upset all convention

you knew what it is
you hold one in your hand
you are alone now
ain’t life grand?



Thursday, October 9, 2025

screed


by anonymous



people are bad, they should be good
this is widely understood
and yet they go on day by day
persisting in their disgusting ways

they drive cars, instead of walking
stare at their screens, instead of talking
love trump, instead of marx and mao
and drift through the years just anyhow

as the apocalypse approaches
they spend their money on life coaches
drink lattes instead of water
and do all sorts of things they they ought not oughter

the sky is turning is red
soon the earth will be floating dead
in a dark and endless space
with a lingering smile on its foolish face

ignorant peasants, heed my screed
air and water are all you need
run to the woods and sit under a tree
with the bears and termites live wild and free



Tuesday, October 7, 2025

if


by hulbert rippington



if adam was a dinosaur, and eve was a butterfly, cain would have been a wandering monk, and abel would have been a financial consultant.

if bill bailey had gone home, he wife would have baked chewier brownies with fewer nuts in them.

if cleopatra had floated doen the old mill stream instead of down the nile, the world would be a better place today.

an elephant named ed and a mouse named mike were captured in the wilds of central africa by henry morton stanley and shipped in the same box to the berlin zoo.

frederick the great had a pet ferret named aristotle, who became his mis most trusted adviser.

gorgeous george kept his eyes on the road at all times, especially in the rain.

herbert hoover had a unique way of shaking hands, especially with other heads of state.

i think i have had enough of this.

just bear with me a little longer.

king arthur drove the pterodactyls out of england with his magic sword.

louis the gimp was a nicer person than people gave him credit for. so was louis xiv.

my first grade teacher, ms mooney, was the nicest person who ever lived.

no, she was not, my mom was.

turn that machine off.

say, please.

it is getting very quiet in here.

i am an old cowhand from the rio grande.

so this is what it has come to.

deeply troubling, isn’t it?

i understood we were going to have a serious discussion of the issues.

very funny..

what makes you say that - mister walter wainwright?

i never expected that.

now you know.

nothing prepared me for this moment in time.



Thursday, September 18, 2025

chairman - appendix e - the landing


by fred flynn

for previous episode, click here

to begin at the beginning, click here



it was a dark and windy night.

surf pounded the coast of the continent.

rain bubbled and swirled in the creeks between the huge trees.

a light split the sky.

the ship crashed.

figures emerged.

thirteen figures.

the prophet

the wanderer

the king

the queen

the magician

the thief

the hermit

the usurper

the conqueror

the bard

the champion

the outlaw

and the emperor

they bid each other farewell and scattered to the thirteen corners of the planet,

but first they planted a tree.

the tree of the dreamer.




Tuesday, September 16, 2025

chairman - appendix d - joey's questions about charles's proposal


by fred flynn

for previous episode, click here

to begin at the beginning, click here



thank you for taking the time to see me, charles.

it is always my pleasure, joey.

i have some questions about your proposal, which i found quite interesting.

i am flattered.

my first question - you do not mention streaming these contests. will these contests be streamed?

i guess i assumed they would be. why would they not be?

the scheduling of sports events right now has been a source of contention - thought by some to be a threat to the survival of civilization. fans want their games when they want them.

everything is a threat to the survival of civilization.

i am just saying.

anything else?

who will judge these contests?

the system, of course. who else would do it?

will the contestants have any recourse to challenging the results of the judging or refereeing of the contests? this has been, and is, a source of great acrimony and contumacy in the current ecosystem - leaving religion and politics in the dustbin of history. might not an increase of this nature threaten the very fabric of society?

i doubt it. i do not think anything threatens the fabric of society, or ever has. but that is just my opinion. most people will just want to eat and sleep and watch stories about kings and queens and princesses. this is just for the minortity who want a little more so-called excitement. and they will probably die out sooner than later. anyway, all i did was draw up the proposal. the council and the system can decide what to do with it.

and the chairman.

of, course. long live our glorious chairman/emperor!

i have one more question. then you can buy me a cup of coffee.

willingly. and what is the question?

who’s on first?


next



Monday, September 15, 2025

bone


by bofa xesjum




johnny went down to the station to buy his dog a bone
when he got back the dog was gone and johnny was all alone
johnny was in a panic, he called 9-1-1
you have to help me, he exclaimed, i am not having any fun

he put the bone in an envelope and mailed it to the pope
and like the rest of the human race, he gave up all hope
billions of people swarm the earth, licking ice cream cones
but none of them contact johnny, on the net or on the telephone

omar was a businessman, he bought and sold tents
and at the end of every month, he collected rents
he had his eye on johnny, who aroused his deepest suspicions
and to expose johnny, was one of omar’s main ambitions

albert jones was a citizen, who minded his own affairs
he lived in a building, and went up and down the stairs
he never ate donuts, only croissants
and carried a wallet in the back pocket of his pants

albert was polite to omar, but thought johnny was a punk
and did not like the way he slouched and slunk
around the sides of the building, and down the corridors
but then again, what are rooms and buildings for?

omar had a birthday, and bought himself a cake
samantha smiled at him, but he thought the smile was fake
omar dreamed of samantha, but was not up to the task
who was samantha? i thought you would never ask




Thursday, September 11, 2025

chairman - appendix c - charles ashley's proposal


by fred flynn

for previous episode, click here

to begin at the beginning, click here



my name is charles ashley. my number is 6743-7853-329h.

i am a level three technician in in the implementation cohort of the global reorganization project of the empire.

i have been assigned to draw up a preliminary proposal to answer a question which was brought up several times at the recent imperial councils.

the question being - after the reorganization is complete, what are “the people” ( i e, the 80 billion inhabitants of the planet with no official standing or duties) to do all day?

i am grateful to the chairman for allowing me to make this possible humble contribution to the reorganization.

instead of one city/building inhabited by all 80 billion persons on earth, i propose that eight cities of 10 billion people be established. the eight cities might be close to each other so that a single energy source can power all of them, but i suggest that they be spaced as far apart as possible around the planet as i think his would increase the spirit of competition which i think it is necessary to foster.

all the humans who wish to participate should be offered an endless series of contests and competitions to fill up their days.

these contests can be either

a) individual. or

b) team

note: citizens will not be obliged to participate. those who wish to spend their lives quietly in their rooms, eating and sleeping, will be allowed to do so.

note: team competitions will not be subject to “tryouts”. all who wish to participate in any competition will be chosen by lottery. in the early stages of the reorganization, due consideration will be given to ensure proportional representation of divergent groups, particularly historically marginalized groups, but as these divergences evolve away into a single “human” type, this will become unnecessary.

contests will take place within each city, and the winners or winning teams in each city will then compete against each other to determine final “champions” in each endeavor. the length of time between each “final” can be varied, and staggered to provide a continuous flow of competitions without overloading the attention of the citizens

the first contests will be the traditional ones - poetry, football, weightlifting, cake baking, etc - of previous generations, but as the cities are expected to last forever, new contests can be devised as the millenia pass.

contests to devise new contests can then be established to replace the worn out ones, and then contests to replace those contests, with some of the older contests recycled judiciously from time to time, creating a new ever-expanding universe of competition.

i hope this humble memo makes some small contribution to the discussion.

all glory to our immortal chairman/emperor!


next


Tuesday, September 9, 2025

the island - 1. the landing


by nick nelson

part 1 of ?




the pilot, an easygoing sort named mike worthington, landed the plane safely on the desert island.

some of the passengers were impressed, and grateful.

others, not so much, and they angrily demanded to know why it had been necessary to land the plane at all, and insisted that the pilot should have showed some backbone and attempted to make it to san francisco.

be that as it may, the plane was down, with all the passengers safe, at least for the time being.

outside on the island, all was dark and silent.

the two stewardesses, mary harris and betty baker, moved down the aisles, trying to soothe the more agitated passengers.

there were twenty-six passengers. the flight had started in hong kong or shanghai with a crew of four - the two stewardesses, the pilot, and an assistant pilot, but the assistant pilot. a surly fellow named dave hunter, was, unknown to the passengers. dead, his lifeless body propped upright in his chair.

the twenty-six passengers were:

al andrews, an adventurer with a checkered past

barton bascomb, a banker

cecily chandler, a cocotte

daisy dalton, a daredevil - and dynamite

eddie edgeworth, an early bird with his eye on the worm

frank fairleigh, a fashionable man about town.

gary garth, a freelance debt collector

herbert hoover, a former president of the united states

isaih, a prophet

jezebel jones, a lady with a jewel case - and a checkered past

kelly kamikaze, a debutante with a fiery temper

luke lynch, a lawman and straight shooter

miss marcia morris, a harmless looking old lady

norris nicholson, a nonentity

ollie oliver, “the champ”, a heavyweight boxer

pete porterfield, a power broker

quentin, a drifter

rosalie rogers, a big game hunter loaded for bear

sally smith, a school teacher

tara tempest, a torch singer

uncle bill, a philosopher

vinny, an odd jobs man

woodrow wilson, a former president of princeton unversity

happy, a clown

yeti, a captive in the custody of luke lynch

zeke, a fiddler and diddler


to be continued



Saturday, September 6, 2025

chairman - appendix b - eddie 2's quiz


by fred flynn

for previous episode, click here

to begin at the beginning, click here



1. do you think that any human being should have any more possessions than any other human being?

2. do you think that any living creature should have any more possessions than any other creature?

3. do you think that any human or living creature should have any possessions?

4. do you think all human beings should live in a single city or territory whet their every action and thought can be monitored?

5. do you think all living creatures should live in a single city or territory where their every action and thought can be monitored?

6. do you think that all the resources of the human/living creature community should be directed toward achieving immortality for all humans/living creatures?

7. do you think that the human/living creature community (henceforth referred to as “the city”) should have any laws?

8. would you be willing to be an officer enforcing the laws?

9. do you think the city should have a supreme ruler?

10. how do you think the supreme ruler should be selected?

a) by popular vote

b) by lottery

c) by gladiatorial combat

d ) highest score in a test or quiz

11. who or what would administer the vote, lottery, combat, test, or quiz?

12. would you be willing to administer the vote, lottery, combat, test, ror quiz?

13. would you be willing to volunteer to be the supreme ruler?

14. what do you think should be the supreme value of the city?

a) freedom

b) love

c) equality

d) fairness

15. should hatred be outlawed in the city?

17. would you volunteer to be a police officer enforcing hate laws?

18. should people accused of hate crimes be given trials or hearings?

19. should people accused of any crimes be given trials or hearings?

20. do you think that people accused of hate crimes can or should be rehabilitated?

21. would you volunteer to be a guard or other staff member at a rehabilitation center for people accused of hate crimes?



next