three

by nick nelson

trained deadly assassin buy one get one free * after all bouncing coordinated effort predators holiday * cantaloupe bargains dehydrated trampolines sadly neglected commisserators *

willie's party

by nick nelson

willie had a party he had it in his room it started too late and ended too soon he tried before with the best intentions with not many successes and a few honorable mentions deep in the darkness on the other side of town derek had a party too and it went down the nicest people came from miles around and had fun by the ounce and laughter by the pound the police showed up and so did the mayor a good time was had by all with no naysayers at willie’s party it started to rain everybody left but might come again red orange yellow purple green blue willie has a problem but will see it through

chairman - 6. quiz

by fred flynn

part 6 of ?

for previous episode, click here

to begin at the beginning, click here

do you like to take quizzes and answer questionnaires? eddie smith 1 asked eddie smith 2. of course, what do you take me for, some kind of neanderthal or barbarian? i am a good twenty-first century citizen, just like everybody else. well, maybe not everybody else. when i ask people if they want to take my quizzes and questionnaires, most of the time they give me funny looks or even get quite hostile. eddie smith 2 considered eddie smith 1’s complaint. they probably think you are some kind of police person or government agent spying on them. do i look like a police person or government agent? maybe not, but you never know. eddie 2 shrugged. be that as it may, do you in fact have some questions or quizzes for me? yes i do, eddie 1 replied eagerly, and produced a standard citizens phone from his shirt pocket. ready? ready as i will ever be. we will start with some yes or no questions. just answer yes or no, even if you think there might be some ambiguity or gray area. go with what is more than 50 percent. got it. do you love the whole human race? yes. do you love all living creatures? yes. would you walk across the street to save the human race from extinction? it might depend on what was in the street. assume the street is empty. yes. again, assuming the street is empty, would you walk across it to save all living creatures from extinction? yes. was your first supervisor in day care the nicest person who ever lived? yes. did you enjoy your first school? yes. did you like your fellow creatures in your first school? yes. did they like you? they seemed to. i will take that as a yes. did you enjoy your first job? yes. did you like your fellow creatures in your first job? yes. do you think the human race deserves to last for at least another ten billion years? why not? i will take that as a yes. do you think all living creatures deserve to last for at least another ten billion years? absolutely. thank you. that completes the first part of the quiz. if you are not too emotionally drained, would you like to proceed to part 2? put me in coach, eddie 2 asserted confidently with a swaggerringly cheerful grin. to be continued

chairman - 5. talking to the people

by fred flynn

part 5 of ?

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to begin at the beginning, click here

do you mind if i sit here? why do you want to sit here? the place is almost empty. there are a million other places you can sit. well, not a million. there are a lot of other places you can sit. are you lonely? what? get lost. according to the latest findings, there is an epidemic of loneliness in the world today. i just thought you might be lonely. i am not lonely. get lost, before i call the management. this place has a management? if it doesn’t , i will call emergency services. just stop bothering me, all right? is that what you do with your life, bother people? i just thought you might be lonely. i am doing research on the atomization of society preparatory to its dissolution and possible reconstruction. that sounds very interesting. but not to me. so get lost. hey buddy! hey buddy! over here! forget that guy, come over and talk to me. are you lonely? not particularly. you might say i am friendly. a friendly guy. i like to get out and talk to the people, you know? goodbye. i am sorry i could not interest you in my project. forget about him. what’s your name, my friend? eddie - eddie smith. eddie smith! hey, that’s my name too! small world, hey? no, it is a big world. there are just a lot of people named eddie smith in it. and a lot of people named mahmoud ali, and a lot of people named lee chan. ha ha good point. well, eddie smith, who are you, and what do you do, if you do not mind my asking? i am training myself to be emperor of the universe and chairman of the planet earth. and i like to ask people questions , particularly relating to the atomization of society preparatory to its dissolution and possible reconstruction. that sounds impressive. very impressive indeed. i am impressed. so what kind of questions do you like to ask? i am glad you asked that question, because… next

chairman - 4. history

by fred flynn

part 4 of ?

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i have made a profound study of history and the universe, and i only know two things: my mom is the nicest person who has ever lived. and donald trump is the worst person who has ever lived. everything else - who knows? who is the second nicest person who ever lived? it could be anybody, lost in the mists of time, or living on a planet in some expanding and exploding galaxy in some other dimension. who is the second worst person of all time? it might well be elon musk, but who really knows? after all, is it not incredible that the nicest person who ever lived, and the worst, should both live in each others lifetimes, on one tiny planet in the infinite solar systems and galaxies of the incomprehensible universe? think about it. last night. i had a strange dream, which might go some way to elucidating these mysteries. in my dream i was some kind of more or less human creature, sitting under a mossy tree in the foggy depths of a dark swamp, with a faithful doggy creature by by side, when suddenly i beheld a dim red light descending through the mist to a spot about a hundred yards away. as i watched, the red light stabilized. then expanded laterally - i realized it was the door of a space ship opening. a group of ten or twelve hulking figures emerged. i could barely make them out through the fog and mist. two of the figures detached themselves from the group and headed toward me and my dog (whose name, i now recall, was slug). the two creatures were donald trump and elon musk. they did not have the same shape and size as they did on earth in the 21st century, but i knew they were donald trump and elon misk. i wanted to run, but i could not move. they came closer… next

chairman - 3. the job

by fred flynn

part 3 of ?

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uncle john is coming to dinner. i don’t like uncle john. i know you don’t like uncle john. but try to be nice to him, all right? i am trying to get him to help you. i don’t heed any help. i asked him to look at your latest proposal. it wasn’t a proposal, it was an exposition. whatever. uncle john works for the city 0f san ——, he doesn’t work for the united nations. i know, but if he shows people the proposal - the exposition - the exposition - they will see how smart you are, and maybe give you some kind of job. i don’t want a job. i have a job - analyzing and predicting the evolution of human society. you know what i mean - a job with a paycheck. * hello, john. you are looking well tonight. so are you. it isn’t every day that you come to visit me and eddie. no. you probably think i had some reason to invite you over. did i say that? eddie has another of his proposals. what about this time? building cities that stretch to the sky. that is not a very accurate description. what do you want me to do with it - get bob miller at the gazette to print it? i thought maybe you could show it to someone at city hall. the city of san —— isn’t building any cities - it can hardly keep itself going. i thought maybe if someone looked at it, they would see how smart eddie is and give him a job. what is on the menu tonight - your special roast beef and mashed potatoes? of course, i know how much you like it. eddie, why don’t you go get your prop - your expo -whatever. it needs work. that’s o k, eddie, i might look at it some other time. some other time, some other time, that is all you bureaucrats know - some other time. eddie, watch your language. all i said was he’s a bureaucrat. i am a bureaucrat - nothing wrong with that. let’s change the subject. to what - football? what better subject for a pleasant family get-together? next

chairman - 2. help

by fred flynn

part 2 of ?

to read part one, click here

i have the world’s, and the universe’s, best interests at heart. i want to do the right thing. but i can’t do it alone. i need your help. the system of human survival i outlined in my previous message of about ten large cities in which all the inhabitants have the same amount of space and resources but no physical contact with each other - -that was the easy part. this development, or something very much like it, is inevitable. now comes the hard part. when we have to ask the question which has been hovering over the human race since the dawn of the industrial revolution - what are people going to do all day? i have some ideas on the subject, but i would be sincerely interested in hearing yours. one solution is that people meditate all day. but what will they meditate on? another is that they pray all day. but what will they pray for? they will already have everything they need. a third -and perhaps the one that will get the most votes - is that they watch stories all day. but stories about what? suppose they see a story about a brave handsome young prince who slays a dragon with a sword and conquers a kingdom? will they be able to comprehend what a sword is, or a dragon, or a kingdom? and would not such stories reintroduce and reinforce the harmful stereotypes of millennia that it took centuries to unravel? what about stories about brave princesses who slay hateful reactionary trolls? would these be any more comprehensible? would they be useful? the trolls will no longer exist, or need to be defeated. do you see where i am coning from? eddie! yes, nurse? it is time for your breakfast. your oatmeal is getting cold. next

chairman

by fred flynn

part 1 of ?

hello. my name is gilgamesh xxvi. i aspire to be selected - not elected - to the posts of emperor of the universe and chairman of the planet earth. i think i could do a good job in these positions - better than whoever is doing them now. if you would like to support my claims, please email the united nations at undesa@un.org. as i write this, the present population of earth is a little less than 8 billion. if at least 4 billion people support my claim to the united nations, it will have to be taken seriously. or maybe not. please note that i am not asking for “support” in the form of money, nor am i starting any kind of political party or movement, with myself or anybody else as the “leader” of it. i promise i will never ask anybody for money! all i ask is that you e-mail the united nations on my behalf, as noted above. in any case, here is my plan. there are 8 billion people in the world, predicted to cap off at ten billion. some of them are rich, some of them are not. otherwise, they are all pretty much the same, wouldn’t you agree? i think all other distinctions among people should be abolished. no more male or female or non-binary, no more straight or gay, no more black or white or asian, no more child or teenager or adult or old folks. everybody will just be a person. where was i? oh, yes, i forgot to mention that the first part of my plan is to divide the world population unto ten cities of one billion persons each. the ten cities might be built in ten remote parts of the world - the bermuda triangle, the sahara desert, easter island, antarctica , wherever. this is just a detail. in each city there will be a single building, reaching “to the sky” each of the one billion inhabitants of each city-building will have their own space or “room’”. they will have no contact, “physical’ or otherwise, with any other inhabitant. this is to avoid any possibility of “abuse, “exploitation”, “injustice”, “misunderstanding”, or “hurtfulness” every room will be the same size. protein, water, oxygen, and heat will be pumped into the room and waste products pumped out of it on a regular basis, probably but not necessarily “daily” as “day “ and “night” and the “seasons” will no longer be relevant. every inhabitant will weigh the same and have the same “life span” (to be determined) as every other. there will be no more “sex” or “reproduction” as currently understood by contemporary “humans”. my, aren’t we using a lot of quotation marks! that is what happens when necessary changes are implemented. but if you have been paying attention you will see that all this is inevitable and that the whole history of civilization has been moving toward it. be assured i have your best interests at heart. next

albert and billy

by horace p sternwall

albert was a gambler he bet with billy’s money albert’s horses came in last billy looked at albert funny albert, said billy thoughtfully with his chin in his hand i love you like a brother but your choices are not grand billy had a gal named sal whom he could not afford to wed when the losses mounted up albert scratched his head billy, said albert i have a master plan in a shack down by the river there lives an old man stop right there, said billy and do not further go i have heard this story many times beginning long ago the old man with a bag of gold is older than adam and eve and there is a long trail a-winding of chumps who did believe so i am a chump, am i? albert angrily replied you have insulted me, billy and, poor boy, now you must die without further ado albert pulled out a pistol heavy and shot poor billy full of holes and dumped his body in the levee albert took to the swamp to escape sheriff john brown and among law-abiding folks his name evokes a frown as for the old man in his shack by the old mill stream he lives on forever in the gambler’s and outlaw’s dream

william and joe

by dog e relaford

william made a sandwich he ate half and saved the other when he was born he had a father and a mother he was born in america the greatest of nations but he did all things in moderation he looked both ways when he crossed the street he hoped some day a nice girl to meet across the street lived a man named joe but unlike william he did not go with the flow joe was different from his fellow creatures but on the surface he had regular features joe had a secret held tight in his brain he was emperor of portugal and king of spain a distant galaxy was down the street he walked past it every morning with shoes on his feet whenever he saw william joe ignored him but good and felt that he did not belong in the neighborhood williiam and joe were separated at birth joe got the sky and william got the earth

eddie

by nick nelson

i had traveled a long way down a dark road. i came to a place. it looked like some sort of diner but was not well lit. it looked small from the outside but when you went inside it seemed to have a lot of rooms. this guy was sitting alone in a booth. he looked at me and said hello. i did not recognize him but he looked like an ordinary guy, like me. i sat down and we got to talking. his name was eddie. he told me all about himself and i got to feeling i had known him all my life. suddenly, he said excuse me, and got up and went into one of the back rooms. i sipped my cup of cold black coffee and waited for him to return. i waited and waited. finally a waitress in a standard issue pink waitress dress came over to me. i am waiting for someone, i told her. you mean eddie? that’s right, eddie. i am sorry to inform you that eddie is dead. i was stunned - more than i had ever been when anybody i really knew well died. how did it happen, i asked. i have some even worse news for you, the waitress said. what is that? eddie never really existed. i woke up. it was six in the morning. i had to go to work.