chairman

by fred flynn

hello. my name is gilgamesh xxvi. i aspire to be selected - not elected - to the posts of emperor of the universe and chairman of the planet earth. i think i could do a good job in these positions - better than whoever is doing them now. if you would like to support my claims, please email the united nations at undesa@un.org. as i write this, the present population of earth is a little less than 8 billion. if at least 4 billion people support my claim to the united nations, it will have to be taken seriously. or maybe not. please note that i am not asking for “support” in the form of money, nor am i starting any kind of political party or movement, with myself or anybody else as the “leader” of it. i promise i will never ask anybody for money! all i ask is that you e-mail the united nations on my behalf, as noted above. in any case, here is my plan. there are 8 billion people in the world, predicted to cap off at ten billion. some of them are rich, some of them are not. otherwise, they are all pretty much the same, wouldn’t you agree? i think all other distinctions among people should be abolished. no more male or female or non-binary, no more straight or gay, no more black or white or asian, no more child or teenager or adult or old folks. everybody will just be a person. where was i? oh, yes, i forgot to mention that the first part of my plan is to divide the world population unto ten cities of one billion persons each. the ten cities might be built in ten remote parts of the world - the bermuda triangle, the sahara desert, easter island, antarctica , wherever. this is just a detail. in each city there will be a single building, reaching “to the sky” each of the one billion inhabitants of each city-building will have their own space or “room’”. they will have no contact, “physical’ or otherwise, with any other inhabitant. this is to avoid any possibility of “abuse, “exploitation”, “injustice”, “misunderstanding”, or “hurtfulness” every room will be the same size. protein, water, oxygen, and heat will be pumped into the room and waste products pumped out of it on a regular basis, probably but not necessarily “daily” as “day “ and “night” and the “seasons” will no longer be relevant. every inhabitant will weigh the same and have the same “life span” (to be determined) as every other. there will be no more “sex” or “reproduction” as currently understood by contemporary “humans”. my, aren’t we using a lot of quotation marks! that is what happens when necessary changes are implemented. but if you have been paying attention you will see that all this is inevitable and that the whole history of civilization has been moving toward it. be assured i have your best interests at heart. (to be continued)

albert and billy

by horace p sternwall

albert was a gambler he bet with billy’s money albert’s horses came in last billy looked at albert funny albert, said billy thoughtfully with his chin in his hand i love you like a brother but your choices are not grand billy had a gal named sal whom he could not afford to wed when the losses mounted up albert scratched his head billy, said albert i have a master plan in a shack down by the river there lives an old man stop right there, said billy and do not further go i have heard this story many times beginning long ago the old man with a bag of gold is older than adam and eve and there is a long trail a-winding of chumps who did believe so i am a chump, am i? albert angrily replied you have insulted me, billy and, poor boy, now you must die without further ado albert pulled out a pistol heavy and shot poor billy full of holes and dumped his body in the levee albert took to the swamp to escape sheriff john brown and among law-abiding folks his name evokes a frown as for the old man in his shack by the old mill stream he lives on forever in the gambler’s and outlaw’s dream

william and joe

by dog e relaford

william made a sandwich he ate half and saved the other when he was born he had a father and a mother he was born in america the greatest of nations but he did all things in moderation he looked both ways when he crossed the street he hoped some day a nice girl to meet across the street lived a man named joe but unlike william he did not go with the flow joe was different from his fellow creatures but on the surface he had regular features joe had a secret held tight in his brain he was emperor of portugal and king of spain a distant galaxy was down the street he walked past it every morning with shoes on his feet whenever he saw william joe ignored him but good and felt that he did not belong in the neighborhood williiam and joe were separated at birth joe got the sky and william got the earth

eddie

by nick nelson

i had traveled a long way down a dark road. i came to a place. it looked like some sort of diner but was not well lit. it looked small from the outside but when you went inside it seemed to have a lot of rooms. this guy was sitting alone in a booth. he looked at me and said hello. i did not recognize him but he looked like an ordinary guy, like me. i sat down and we got to talking. his name was eddie. he told me all about himself and i got to feeling i had known him all my life. suddenly, he said excuse me, and got up and went into one of the back rooms. i sipped my cup of cold black coffee and waited for him to return. i waited and waited. finally a waitress in a standard issue pink waitress dress came over to me. i am waiting for someone, i told her. you mean eddie? that’s right, eddie. i am sorry to inform you that eddie is dead. i was stunned - more than i had ever been when anybody i really knew well died. how did it happen, i asked. i have some even worse news for you, the waitress said. what is that? eddie never really existed. i woke up. it was six in the morning. i had to go to work.

henry and the window

by nick nelson

why are you looking out the window, henry? what? what kind of stupid question is that? why am i looking out the window? because looking out the window is what i do! it is what i have been doing for thirty years? what else am i going to do? i am sorry, i did not mean to upset you. whatever possessed you to ask such a question? i was reading this article in the newspaper, and i - yes? go on. it was about loneliness. it said there was an epidemic of loneliness in this country, and in the world - what has that got to do with me looking out the window? it just got me to thinking - we don’t talk much any more - no, not for about twenty-five years. do you suddenly have something to say? i thought we might just chat once in a while - about - about politics, about our favorite books - about the old days - the old days! you want to talk about the old days, after what happened to me - well, the days before that - you know what i mean, i am sorry, i did not mean to upset you. after what happened to me forty years ago. just forget i said anything. epidemic of loneliness! that is the dumbest thing i ever heard. what next - an epidemic of people not tying their shoes? it is getting on to lunchtime, henry. would you like something a little earlier than usual, it might calm you down. i do not need to be calmed down. but you can bring me a ham and cheese sandwich, if you would be so kind, and put enough mustard on it this time.