solomon grundy

by nick nelson

solomon grundy was the ugliest man in the world, and he dreamed every night of being the most beautiful woman in the world. one night, before retiring for the night, he discovered he was out of chamomile tea. he made himself a cup of earl grey tea instead. that night he had a slightly different dream. he entered a tea shop and found himself face to face with three of the most beautiful women in the world - deililah, salome, and cleopatra. good heavens! delilah exclaimed. we thought we were three gorgeous creatures, but this newcomer puts us quite in the shade. indeed! chimed in salome. won’t you join us, sister, clepoatra added, so that we may continue to be astounded by your ethereal beauty. this was solomon’s happiest dream, but it was also his last. in the morning, his faithful housekeeper, mrs worthy, who had served him for forty some years, found him dead in his bed, with a curious grimace on his face.

a walk in the woods

by nick nelson

one day daniel boone was walking in the woods. i am hungry, daniel thought. i am hungry enough to eat a bear. suddenly a bear appeared on the trail before him. at your service, the bear addressed daniel, offering him a knife and fork. please be my guest. what tomfoolery is this? daniel exclaimed angrily. you expressed a desire to eat a bear, the ursine replied politely. i have been sent by the god belial, to grant your wish. he only asks in return that you become his faithful follower. i think not! daniel answered sharply, and the bear disappeared as quickly as it had appeared. daniel walked on. now i am really getting hungry, he thought, now i am hungry enough to eat a moose. a moose appeared on the trail before him. the moose smiled, and like the bear, offered daniel a knife and fork. and who sent you? daniel demanded. the god moloch, who invites you to a hearty repast of my humble self, asking in return only that you become his faithfiul follower. begone, demon! daniel cried, and the moose disappeared. daniel trudged on down the trail.. now i could eat anything, large or small, daniel mused. i could go for a butterfly. a beautiful pink and blue butterfly floated in the air. i am all yours, it murmured. devour me if you like. to whom do i owe the honor, daniel asked. the queen of the fairies., the butterfly replied. and she asks nothing in return. well, daniel thought, i suppose it can’t hurt.

down to breakfast

by nick nelson

when amanda came down to breakfast, she was surprised to find her stepson wilbur seated at the table, as she thought he was studying anthropology at the university of a—————, two thousand miles away. good morning, wilbur, aren’t you supposed to studying anthropology at the universiity of a—————? no, i have decided anthropology is not for me. amanda took two pieces of sliced sourdough bread out of a plastic bag and put them in the toaster. then what is for you?, if you do not mind my asking.. i though i might just hang out for a while, see what comes up. and what does walter have to say about this? walter was amanda’s husband and wilbur’s father. he doesn’t have anything to say about it. really? and does he have anything to say about saying anything about it? no. amanda laughed. she looked down at the toast toasting in the toaster. well, we can ask him when he gets up. he isn’t getting up. excuse me? i said he isn’t getting up. what do you mean? what do you think i mean? the toaster dinged and the toast popped up. amanda ignored it, and turned and went back up the stairs. she entered walter’s bedroom, which she had not shared for years. walter was lying on his side on the bed, with the bedclothes in a jumble around his head and shoulders. amanda saw right away that he was dead, although there were no visible signs of violence on him. wilbur must have killed him somehow, she thought. she knew enough not to touch the body. she had some experience in such matters, as she had successfully murdered her first husband seventeen years before. she went back downstairs. as she expected, wilbur was gone. amanda sighed. i will have have to call the police, she thought. i will have my my toast and cup of coffee first.

terrible 4

by horace p sternwall

genghis khan was a rambler and went his own way omar khayyam was a gambler and made his own say confucius was a wise man and sat beneath a tree adam was a working man with no philosophy eve wrote a novel and left it on a park bench moses wandered in the desert and felt every man was his hench i have no time for all this king henry thundered from his throne bring me some flattery and engrave it in stone the sun rose over the ocean and the birds flew away the fishermen left their boats behind but the fish had to stay the sun rose over the desert and the snakes went to sleep cain stole abel’s treasure and buried it deep sinbad sailed the seven seas beneath a sky of blue some of the tales about him may not even be true have you a story to tell yourself boring as it may be? do you want to be rich and famous or only to be free?

terrible 3

by horace p sternwall

why does everybody hate me isaac newton asked his mom because you have no class interjected the butler with aplomb the butler’s name was bob ford and he wore a suit of black when jesse james threw a brick through the window he shot poor jesse in the back isaac’s mom had been a queen but left her crown in a taxicab she took to the streets to find the thief and they called her nellie the nab isaac’s dad was a broker who took anything in pawn when king richard asked him his business he answered with a yawn when king george raised a ruckus they gave him a jacket of blue blackbeard sailed the seven seas at the head of a jolly crew king john had a number and forgot to write it down when he went back to get it the rebels had seized the town karl marx had a potato and tried to peel it himself he gave it up as a hopeless cause that was endangering his health all things must pass like a snake from the road to the grass the snake might be your best friend but what does that sign in the sky portend?

terrible 2

by horace p sternwall

long ago, when the world was young adam had a stick and eve had a tongue adam knocked apples off the trees and eve hurled imprecations into the breeze the sun comes up, the moon goes down a dog and a monkey went to town they passed an elephant and a cow tripped on a rock, and were hitched to a plow the earth blew up and turned into a rocket adam put eve in his back pocket she hit him on the head with a frying pan and they went into orbit over disneyland i got an a i companion and a giant squid in a secret passage in my left eyelid the rules are rules, but not for me because all i want is to be free

terrible

by horace p sternwall

adam smith and a zebra known as old bill operated a yogurt stand on top of a windy hill delilah never baked brownies or painted her toenails blue or cut off samson’s curly locks those stories are all untrue columbus was a sailor bold and nailed his colors to the mast things went his way for a little while but he knew they could not last genghis khan liked apples so he went for a little walk when he discovered the garden of eden he received a terrible shock the serpent was gone and left a note behind saying, nothing is real but i don't mind genghis chewed on a straw and sat on a leaf and prayed for rain but got no relief noah came by with a hammer and a nail wearing a yellow ribbon and got thrown in jail the river rose but the creek ran dry i will sing a new song by and by

haberdasher

by horace p sternwall

harry jones was a haberdasher and a good one at that some said he was thin and some said he was fat some said he was a family man and quiet evenings at home enjoyed others that he liked his drink and played poker with the boys some said he was a democrat others a republican true harry said it didn’t matter how about you? some thought harry had a secret and wrote the great american novel in his sleep others were more circumspect and did not think he was so deep some folks said that harry was descended from the kings of spain when he was asked about it he winked, and winked again just who harry really was remains a mystery one thing you can say for sure - all he wanted was to be free

lonely

by horace p sternwall

people are lonely so they say they got together back in the day at circuses and county fairs and churches where they said their prayers they had their ways and they had their isness and everybody knew everybody’s business everybody was everybody’s brother maybe they got a bit tired of each other then some genius invented a new invention that changed the world and upset all convention you knew what it is you hold one in your hand you are alone now ain’t life grand?

screed

by anonymous

people are bad, they should be good this is widely understood and yet they go on day by day persisting in their disgusting ways they drive cars, instead of walking stare at their screens, instead of talking love trump, instead of marx and mao and drift through the years just anyhow as the apocalypse approaches they spend their money on life coaches drink lattes instead of water and do all sorts of things they they ought not oughter the sky is turning is red soon the earth will be floating dead in a dark and endless space with a lingering smile on its foolish face ignorant peasants, heed my screed air and water are all you need run to the woods and sit under a tree with the bears and termites live wild and free

if

by hulbert rippington

if adam was a dinosaur, and eve was a butterfly, cain would have been a wandering monk, and abel would have been a financial consultant. if bill bailey had gone home, he wife would have baked chewier brownies with fewer nuts in them. if cleopatra had floated doen the old mill stream instead of down the nile, the world would be a better place today. an elephant named ed and a mouse named mike were captured in the wilds of central africa by henry morton stanley and shipped in the same box to the berlin zoo. frederick the great had a pet ferret named aristotle, who became his mis most trusted adviser. gorgeous george kept his eyes on the road at all times, especially in the rain. herbert hoover had a unique way of shaking hands, especially with other heads of state. i think i have had enough of this. just bear with me a little longer. king arthur drove the pterodactyls out of england with his magic sword. louis the gimp was a nicer person than people gave him credit for. so was louis xiv. my first grade teacher, ms mooney, was the nicest person who ever lived. no, she was not, my mom was. turn that machine off. say, please. it is getting very quiet in here. i am an old cowhand from the rio grande. so this is what it has come to. deeply troubling, isn’t it? i understood we were going to have a serious discussion of the issues. very funny.. what makes you say that - mister walter wainwright? i never expected that. now you know. nothing prepared me for this moment in time.

chairman - appendix e - the landing

by fred flynn

for previous episode, click here

to begin at the beginning, click here

it was a dark and windy night. surf pounded the coast of the continent. rain bubbled and swirled in the creeks between the huge trees. a light split the sky. the ship crashed. figures emerged. thirteen figures. the prophet the wanderer the king the queen the magician the thief the hermit the usurper the conqueror the bard the champion the outlaw and the emperor they bid each other farewell and scattered to the thirteen corners of the planet, but first they planted a tree. the tree of the dreamer.

chairman - appendix d - joey's questions about charles's proposal

by fred flynn

for previous episode, click here

to begin at the beginning, click here

thank you for taking the time to see me, charles. it is always my pleasure, joey. i have some questions about your proposal, which i found quite interesting. i am flattered. my first question - you do not mention streaming these contests. will these contests be streamed? i guess i assumed they would be. why would they not be? the scheduling of sports events right now has been a source of contention - thought by some to be a threat to the survival of civilization. fans want their games when they want them. everything is a threat to the survival of civilization. i am just saying. anything else? who will judge these contests? the system, of course. who else would do it? will the contestants have any recourse to challenging the results of the judging or refereeing of the contests? this has been, and is, a source of great acrimony and contumacy in the current ecosystem - leaving religion and politics in the dustbin of history. might not an increase of this nature threaten the very fabric of society? i doubt it. i do not think anything threatens the fabric of society, or ever has. but that is just my opinion. most people will just want to eat and sleep and watch stories about kings and queens and princesses. this is just for the minortity who want a little more so-called excitement. and they will probably die out sooner than later. anyway, all i did was draw up the proposal. the council and the system can decide what to do with it. and the chairman. of, course. long live our glorious chairman/emperor! i have one more question. then you can buy me a cup of coffee. willingly. and what is the question? who’s on first? next