lonely

by horace p sternwall

people are lonely so they say they got together back in the day at circuses and county fairs and churches where they said their prayers they had their ways and they had their isness and everybody knew everybody’s business everybody was everybody’s brother maybe they got a bit tired of each other then some genius invented a new invention that changed the world and upset all convention you knew what it is you hold one in your hand you are alone now ain’t life grand?

screed

by anonymous

people are bad, they should be good this is widely understood and yet they go on day by day persisting in their disgusting ways they drive cars, instead of walking stare at their screens, instead of talking love trump, instead of marx and mao and drift through the years just anyhow as the apocalypse approaches they spend their money on life coaches drink lattes instead of water and do all sorts of things they they ought not oughter the sky is turning is red soon the earth will be floating dead in a dark and endless space with a lingering smile on its foolish face ignorant peasants, heed my screed air and water are all you need run to the woods and sit under a tree with the bears and termites live wild and free

if

by hulbert rippington

if adam was a dinosaur, and eve was a butterfly, cain would have been a wandering monk, and abel would have been a financial consultant. if bill bailey had gone home, he wife would have baked chewier brownies with fewer nuts in them. if cleopatra had floated doen the old mill stream instead of down the nile, the world would be a better place today. an elephant named ed and a mouse named mike were captured in the wilds of central africa by henry morton stanley and shipped in the same box to the berlin zoo. frederick the great had a pet ferret named aristotle, who became his mis most trusted adviser. gorgeous george kept his eyes on the road at all times, especially in the rain. herbert hoover had a unique way of shaking hands, especially with other heads of state. i think i have had enough of this. just bear with me a little longer. king arthur drove the pterodactyls out of england with his magic sword. louis the gimp was a nicer person than people gave him credit for. so was louis xiv. my first grade teacher, ms mooney, was the nicest person who ever lived. no, she was not, my mom was. turn that machine off. say, please. it is getting very quiet in here. i am an old cowhand from the rio grande. so this is what it has come to. deeply troubling, isn’t it? i understood we were going to have a serious discussion of the issues. very funny.. what makes you say that - mister walter wainwright? i never expected that. now you know. nothing prepared me for this moment in time.

chairman - appendix e - the landing

by fred flynn

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it was a dark and windy night. surf pounded the coast of the continent. rain bubbled and swirled in the creeks between the huge trees. a light split the sky. the ship crashed. figures emerged. thirteen figures. the prophet the wanderer the king the queen the magician the thief the hermit the usurper the conqueror the bard the champion the outlaw and the emperor they bid each other farewell and scattered to the thirteen corners of the planet, but first they planted a tree. the tree of the dreamer.

chairman - appendix d - joey's questions about charles's proposal

by fred flynn

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thank you for taking the time to see me, charles. it is always my pleasure, joey. i have some questions about your proposal, which i found quite interesting. i am flattered. my first question - you do not mention streaming these contests. will these contests be streamed? i guess i assumed they would be. why would they not be? the scheduling of sports events right now has been a source of contention - thought by some to be a threat to the survival of civilization. fans want their games when they want them. everything is a threat to the survival of civilization. i am just saying. anything else? who will judge these contests? the system, of course. who else would do it? will the contestants have any recourse to challenging the results of the judging or refereeing of the contests? this has been, and is, a source of great acrimony and contumacy in the current ecosystem - leaving religion and politics in the dustbin of history. might not an increase of this nature threaten the very fabric of society? i doubt it. i do not think anything threatens the fabric of society, or ever has. but that is just my opinion. most people will just want to eat and sleep and watch stories about kings and queens and princesses. this is just for the minortity who want a little more so-called excitement. and they will probably die out sooner than later. anyway, all i did was draw up the proposal. the council and the system can decide what to do with it. and the chairman. of, course. long live our glorious chairman/emperor! i have one more question. then you can buy me a cup of coffee. willingly. and what is the question? who’s on first? next

bone

by bofa xesjum

johnny went down to the station to buy his dog a bone when he got back the dog was gone and johnny was all alone johnny was in a panic, he called 9-1-1 you have to help me, he exclaimed, i am not having any fun he put the bone in an envelope and mailed it to the pope and like the rest of the human race, he gave up all hope billions of people swarm the earth, licking ice cream cones but none of them contact johnny, on the net or on the telephone omar was a businessman, he bought and sold tents and at the end of every month, he collected rents he had his eye on johnny, who aroused his deepest suspicions and to expose johnny, was one of omar’s main ambitions albert jones was a citizen, who minded his own affairs he lived in a building, and went up and down the stairs he never ate donuts, only croissants and carried a wallet in the back pocket of his pants albert was polite to omar, but thought johnny was a punk and did not like the way he slouched and slunk around the sides of the building, and down the corridors but then again, what are rooms and buildings for? omar had a birthday, and bought himself a cake samantha smiled at him, but he thought the smile was fake omar dreamed of samantha, but was not up to the task who was samantha? i thought you would never ask

chairman - appendix c - charles ashley's proposal

by fred flynn

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my name is charles ashley. my number is 6743-7853-329h. i am a level three technician in in the implementation cohort of the global reorganization project of the empire. i have been assigned to draw up a preliminary proposal to answer a question which was brought up several times at the recent imperial councils. the question being - after the reorganization is complete, what are “the people” ( i e, the 80 billion inhabitants of the planet with no official standing or duties) to do all day? i am grateful to the chairman for allowing me to make this possible humble contribution to the reorganization. instead of one city/building inhabited by all 80 billion persons on earth, i propose that eight cities of 10 billion people be established. the eight cities might be close to each other so that a single energy source can power all of them, but i suggest that they be spaced as far apart as possible around the planet as i think his would increase the spirit of competition which i think it is necessary to foster. all the humans who wish to participate should be offered an endless series of contests and competitions to fill up their days. these contests can be either a) individual. or b) team note: citizens will not be obliged to participate. those who wish to spend their lives quietly in their rooms, eating and sleeping, will be allowed to do so. note: team competitions will not be subject to “tryouts”. all who wish to participate in any competition will be chosen by lottery. in the early stages of the reorganization, due consideration will be given to ensure proportional representation of divergent groups, particularly historically marginalized groups, but as these divergences evolve away into a single “human” type, this will become unnecessary. contests will take place within each city, and the winners or winning teams in each city will then compete against each other to determine final “champions” in each endeavor. the length of time between each “final” can be varied, and staggered to provide a continuous flow of competitions without overloading the attention of the citizens the first contests will be the traditional ones - poetry, football, weightlifting, cake baking, etc - of previous generations, but as the cities are expected to last forever, new contests can be devised as the millenia pass. contests to devise new contests can then be established to replace the worn out ones, and then contests to replace those contests, with some of the older contests recycled judiciously from time to time, creating a new ever-expanding universe of competition. i hope this humble memo makes some small contribution to the discussion. all glory to our immortal chairman/emperor! next