zero hour

by bofa xesjum

four people were stranded on a desert island. donald trump (the worst person who has ever lived), my mom (the nicest person who has ever lived), the queen of sheba (the most beautiful woman who has ever lived), and friar roger bacon, the smartest man who has ever lived, who wrote shakespeare in his spare time). they were searching for the perfect coconut, but had not been able to find it. one day a raft appeared off the shore of the island. there were four people on it. dr frankenstein (the greatest inventor the worls has ever known), his monster, mata hari (the most seductively alluring spy who has ever lived) and allen dulles (the mastermind behind the cold war). ahoy, dr frankenstein called, do you folks want to be rescued? no, donald trump called back, we want to look for the perfect coconut a little while longer. the raft departed. night fell over the island. do you hear something? the queen of sheba asked friar roger bacon. i can not say that i do , he started to reply. suddenly a great light -

resignation

by nick nelson

good evening, fellow citizens of the world. as you have no doubt been led to expect, i am resigning, effective immediately, my position as under-secretary of cultural-financial coordination of the central sector. some of my long time assistants have thoughtfully written a speech for me for this occasion. in this speech i confess to being the worst person who has ever lived, worse even than a certain personage with a small mustache, and another certain personage with orange hair. i express my deep sense of shame at bringing disgrace to my family, to the central sector, to the human race, and to all the creatures of the earth, for my uniquely monstrous and unforgivable actions, and i apologize once again to my accuser, citizen yk-564, for my unspeakable behavior, fully realizing how pathetically inadequate any apology can ever be, but i have decided to toss the speech aside and instead say what i really think. to, to use an old-fashioned expression, speak from the heart. i am a pathetic moron, driven by impulses i can neither comprehend or control, wandering helplessly through a dark and constantly shifting world. as are all of you. i know nothing. and you, my accusers and victims, know less than nothing, as you do not know that you know nothing. let me tell you a story. a story of how i came to be here today, a story, perhaps, of how we all came to be here today. maybe a few of you out there will find it illuminating. cut him off. don’t you want to hear his story? no. why not? i already know it. it is my story, too, and yours and everybody else’s. just cut him off. all right. done.

solomon grundy

by nick nelson

solomon grundy was the ugliest man in the world, and he dreamed every night of being the most beautiful woman in the world. one night, before retiring for the night, he discovered he was out of chamomile tea. he made himself a cup of earl grey tea instead. that night he had a slightly different dream. he entered a tea shop and found himself face to face with three of the most beautiful women in the world - deililah, salome, and cleopatra. good heavens! delilah exclaimed. we thought we were three gorgeous creatures, but this newcomer puts us quite in the shade. indeed! chimed in salome. won’t you join us, sister, clepoatra added, so that we may continue to be astounded by your ethereal beauty. this was solomon’s happiest dream, but it was also his last. in the morning, his faithful housekeeper, mrs worthy, who had served him for forty some years, found him dead in his bed, with a curious grimace on his face.

a walk in the woods

by nick nelson

one day daniel boone was walking in the woods. i am hungry, daniel thought. i am hungry enough to eat a bear. suddenly a bear appeared on the trail before him. at your service, the bear addressed daniel, offering him a knife and fork. please be my guest. what tomfoolery is this? daniel exclaimed angrily. you expressed a desire to eat a bear, the ursine replied politely. i have been sent by the god belial, to grant your wish. he only asks in return that you become his faithful follower. i think not! daniel answered sharply, and the bear disappeared as quickly as it had appeared. daniel walked on. now i am really getting hungry, he thought, now i am hungry enough to eat a moose. a moose appeared on the trail before him. the moose smiled, and like the bear, offered daniel a knife and fork. and who sent you? daniel demanded. the god moloch, who invites you to a hearty repast of my humble self, asking in return only that you become his faithfiul follower. begone, demon! daniel cried, and the moose disappeared. daniel trudged on down the trail.. now i could eat anything, large or small, daniel mused. i could go for a butterfly. a beautiful pink and blue butterfly floated in the air. i am all yours, it murmured. devour me if you like. to whom do i owe the honor, daniel asked. the queen of the fairies., the butterfly replied. and she asks nothing in return. well, daniel thought, i suppose it can’t hurt.

down to breakfast

by nick nelson

when amanda came down to breakfast, she was surprised to find her stepson wilbur seated at the table, as she thought he was studying anthropology at the university of a—————, two thousand miles away. good morning, wilbur, aren’t you supposed to studying anthropology at the universiity of a—————? no, i have decided anthropology is not for me. amanda took two pieces of sliced sourdough bread out of a plastic bag and put them in the toaster. then what is for you?, if you do not mind my asking.. i though i might just hang out for a while, see what comes up. and what does walter have to say about this? walter was amanda’s husband and wilbur’s father. he doesn’t have anything to say about it. really? and does he have anything to say about saying anything about it? no. amanda laughed. she looked down at the toast toasting in the toaster. well, we can ask him when he gets up. he isn’t getting up. excuse me? i said he isn’t getting up. what do you mean? what do you think i mean? the toaster dinged and the toast popped up. amanda ignored it, and turned and went back up the stairs. she entered walter’s bedroom, which she had not shared for years. walter was lying on his side on the bed, with the bedclothes in a jumble around his head and shoulders. amanda saw right away that he was dead, although there were no visible signs of violence on him. wilbur must have killed him somehow, she thought. she knew enough not to touch the body. she had some experience in such matters, as she had successfully murdered her first husband seventeen years before. she went back downstairs. as she expected, wilbur was gone. amanda sighed. i will have have to call the police, she thought. i will have my my toast and cup of coffee first.

terrible 4

by horace p sternwall

genghis khan was a rambler and went his own way omar khayyam was a gambler and made his own say confucius was a wise man and sat beneath a tree adam was a working man with no philosophy eve wrote a novel and left it on a park bench moses wandered in the desert and felt every man was his hench i have no time for all this king henry thundered from his throne bring me some flattery and engrave it in stone the sun rose over the ocean and the birds flew away the fishermen left their boats behind but the fish had to stay the sun rose over the desert and the snakes went to sleep cain stole abel’s treasure and buried it deep sinbad sailed the seven seas beneath a sky of blue some of the tales about him may not even be true have you a story to tell yourself boring as it may be? do you want to be rich and famous or only to be free?

terrible 3

by horace p sternwall

why does everybody hate me isaac newton asked his mom because you have no class interjected the butler with aplomb the butler’s name was bob ford and he wore a suit of black when jesse james threw a brick through the window he shot poor jesse in the back isaac’s mom had been a queen but left her crown in a taxicab she took to the streets to find the thief and they called her nellie the nab isaac’s dad was a broker who took anything in pawn when king richard asked him his business he answered with a yawn when king george raised a ruckus they gave him a jacket of blue blackbeard sailed the seven seas at the head of a jolly crew king john had a number and forgot to write it down when he went back to get it the rebels had seized the town karl marx had a potato and tried to peel it himself he gave it up as a hopeless cause that was endangering his health all things must pass like a snake from the road to the grass the snake might be your best friend but what does that sign in the sky portend?