chairman - 6. quiz

by fred flynn

part 6 of ?

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do you like to take quizzes and answer questionnaires? eddie smith 1 asked eddie smith 2. of course, what do you take me for, some kind of neanderthal or barbarian? i am a good twenty-first century citizen, just like everybody else. well, maybe not everybody else. when i ask people if they want to take my quizzes and questionnaires, most of the time they give me funny looks or even get quite hostile. eddie smith 2 considered eddie smith 1’s complaint. they probably think you are some kind of police person or government agent spying on them. do i look like a police person or government agent? maybe not, but you never know. eddie 2 shrugged. be that as it may, do you in fact have some questions or quizzes for me? yes i do, eddie 1 replied eagerly, and produced a standard citizens phone from his shirt pocket. ready? ready as i will ever be. we will start with some yes or no questions. just answer yes or no, even if you think there might be some ambiguity or gray area. go with what is more than 50 percent. got it. do you love the whole human race? yes. do you love all living creatures? yes. would you walk across the street to save the human race from extinction? it might depend on what was in the street. assume the street is empty. yes. again, assuming the street is empty, would you walk across it to save all living creatures from extinction? yes. was your first supervisor in day care the nicest person who ever lived? yes. did you enjoy your first school? yes. did you like your fellow creatures in your first school? yes. did they like you? they seemed to. i will take that as a yes. did you enjoy your first job? yes. did you like your fellow creatures in your first job? yes. do you think the human race deserves to last for at least another ten billion years? why not? i will take that as a yes. do you think all living creatures deserve to last for at least another ten billion years? absolutely. thank you. that completes the first part of the quiz. if you are not too emotionally drained, would you like to proceed to part 2? put me in coach, eddie 2 asserted confidently with a swaggerringly cheerful grin. to be continued

chairman - 5. talking to the people

by fred flynn

part 5 of ?

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do you mind if i sit here? why do you want to sit here? the place is almost empty. there are a million other places you can sit. well, not a million. there are a lot of other places you can sit. are you lonely? what? get lost. according to the latest findings, there is an epidemic of loneliness in the world today. i just thought you might be lonely. i am not lonely. get lost, before i call the management. this place has a management? if it doesn’t , i will call emergency services. just stop bothering me, all right? is that what you do with your life, bother people? i just thought you might be lonely. i am doing research on the atomization of society preparatory to its dissolution and possible reconstruction. that sounds very interesting. but not to me. so get lost. hey buddy! hey buddy! over here! forget that guy, come over and talk to me. are you lonely? not particularly. you might say i am friendly. a friendly guy. i like to get out and talk to the people, you know? goodbye. i am sorry i could not interest you in my project. forget about him. what’s your name, my friend? eddie - eddie smith. eddie smith! hey, that’s my name too! small world, hey? no, it is a big world. there are just a lot of people named eddie smith in it. and a lot of people named mahmoud ali, and a lot of people named lee chan. ha ha good point. well, eddie smith, who are you, and what do you do, if you do not mind my asking? i am training myself to be emperor of the universe and chairman of the planet earth. and i like to ask people questions , particularly relating to the atomization of society preparatory to its dissolution and possible reconstruction. that sounds impressive. very impressive indeed. i am impressed. so what kind of questions do you like to ask? i am glad you asked that question, because… next

chairman - 4. history

by fred flynn

part 4 of ?

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i have made a profound study of history and the universe, and i only know two things: my mom is the nicest person who has ever lived. and donald trump is the worst person who has ever lived. everything else - who knows? who is the second nicest person who ever lived? it could be anybody, lost in the mists of time, or living on a planet in some expanding and exploding galaxy in some other dimension. who is the second worst person of all time? it might well be elon musk, but who really knows? after all, is it not incredible that the nicest person who ever lived, and the worst, should both live in each others lifetimes, on one tiny planet in the infinite solar systems and galaxies of the incomprehensible universe? think about it. last night. i had a strange dream, which might go some way to elucidating these mysteries. in my dream i was some kind of more or less human creature, sitting under a mossy tree in the foggy depths of a dark swamp, with a faithful doggy creature by by side, when suddenly i beheld a dim red light descending through the mist to a spot about a hundred yards away. as i watched, the red light stabilized. then expanded laterally - i realized it was the door of a space ship opening. a group of ten or twelve hulking figures emerged. i could barely make them out through the fog and mist. two of the figures detached themselves from the group and headed toward me and my dog (whose name, i now recall, was slug). the two creatures were donald trump and elon musk. they did not have the same shape and size as they did on earth in the 21st century, but i knew they were donald trump and elon misk. i wanted to run, but i could not move. they came closer… next

chairman - 3. the job

by fred flynn

part 3 of ?

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uncle john is coming to dinner. i don’t like uncle john. i know you don’t like uncle john. but try to be nice to him, all right? i am trying to get him to help you. i don’t heed any help. i asked him to look at your latest proposal. it wasn’t a proposal, it was an exposition. whatever. uncle john works for the city 0f san ——, he doesn’t work for the united nations. i know, but if he shows people the proposal - the exposition - the exposition - they will see how smart you are, and maybe give you some kind of job. i don’t want a job. i have a job - analyzing and predicting the evolution of human society. you know what i mean - a job with a paycheck. * hello, john. you are looking well tonight. so are you. it isn’t every day that you come to visit me and eddie. no. you probably think i had some reason to invite you over. did i say that? eddie has another of his proposals. what about this time? building cities that stretch to the sky. that is not a very accurate description. what do you want me to do with it - get bob miller at the gazette to print it? i thought maybe you could show it to someone at city hall. the city of san —— isn’t building any cities - it can hardly keep itself going. i thought maybe if someone looked at it, they would see how smart eddie is and give him a job. what is on the menu tonight - your special roast beef and mashed potatoes? of course, i know how much you like it. eddie, why don’t you go get your prop - your expo -whatever. it needs work. that’s o k, eddie, i might look at it some other time. some other time, some other time, that is all you bureaucrats know - some other time. eddie, watch your language. all i said was he’s a bureaucrat. i am a bureaucrat - nothing wrong with that. let’s change the subject. to what - football? what better subject for a pleasant family get-together? next