sad ukelele

by bofa xesjum

a young man walked down a groundbreaking street. he considered himself an underdog in the game of freedom. he had a friend named tony whom he decided to call on. but tony was not that easy to find, especially in such meaningless times as these. so he decided to look up lance instead. lance was one of those people who is easy to find, because they are always hanging around. the young man came right to the point. excuse me, what is the young man’s name? i don’t know what it is now, but at the time and place i am describing it was al rogers. that is a pretty common name. it was meant to be. so what did al have to say to lance when he finally tracked him down? he didn’t have to track him down, lance was always hanging around and available. so what did he ask him when he came right to the point? he asked him if he had seen percival p particular? that’s a funny name. it is supposed to be. except that it isn’t. isn’t what? particularly funny. get back to the point. had lance seen percival p not so funny? he strenuously denied it. oh, he did, did he? and what else did he have to say? he accused poor al rogers of being an agent of the deep state. wow! and what did al say to that? he laughed and said that there was no deep state, and that lance should get offline and get out more. or stop watching youtube and watch old fashioned cable and network televison. and what did lance say then? he did not say anything, he started playing his ukelele and singing a sad love song that is what they all do, don’t they, when they are confronted with the truth?

cook's day off

by horace p sternwall

the cook had been allowed the day off to go to her aunt’s funeral , so when millicent awoke she got up and went downstairs herself to make a cup of coffee, and on passing through the drawing room she found jonathon lying on the blue divan, with a note pinned to his chest. she wondered if he were dead, or just sleeping. the note in itself was curious, as millicent had never known jonathon to be in the habit of writing notes. with a sigh, millicent took the jar of coffee beans out of the kitchen cupboard. millicent did not like having her routine disturbed, and jonathon’s strange behavior had disturbed both the routine and herself. all i need now, she mused, is for the handyman to come knocking at the back door, on some pretext or other. she poured some coffee beans into the grinder. millicent was 44 years old, and had now been alive for 16,667 days. jonathon was 47 years old, and had been alive for 17,180 days. unless, of course, he was dead and had died before midnight, in which case he would only have lived for 17,179 days. jonathon had lorded it over millicent mercilessly when they were children, especially after miss parker, whom jonathon called “the panther”, had been dismissed. millicent heard a knocking at the back door.

the twins

by genghis gilgamesh

astoria and brooklyn were identical twins. their parents divorced. parent alpha, who was the seventeenth richest person on the planet, won custody of astoria and brooklyn, but parent beta, who was reduced by the settlement to living in a cardboard box on the thruway to the world’s third largest airport, won visitation rights, so astoria and brooklyn spent two ays a week with parent beta. parent alpha and parent beta had differing views on everything, and each strove to impart their views to the twins. parent alpha believed that nobody knew anything, that life was meaningless, and that people should just get along. parent beta believed that the only purpose in life was to strive to make the universe a better place where all living creatures were equal, that the universe was divided into good people and bad people, and that the bad people should be killed. both twins went back and forth between siding with one parent or the other. but whichever side one of the twins took, the other always took the opposite. one night the twins were flying back from visiting parent beta when they were kidnapped by a terrorist organization calling themselves the freedom fighters. parent alpha hired a rival terrorist organization, the truth brigade, to rescue the twins. this caused international tensions to rise between empire charlie, which sided with the freedom fighters, and empire delta, which sided with the truth brigade. empire charlie secretly hired psycho-6, the planet’s deadliest assassin, to assist the freedom fighters. empire delta responded by hiring empath-18, the planet’s most resourceful bounty hunter, to capture psycho-6. war broke out all over the planet, and beyond… * if this story were expanded into a series of seven novels, would you be interested in reading it? if it were expanded into a 22 part video miniseries, would you be interested in watching it? if it were adapted into a virtual reality experience, would you be interested in participating in it?

jonathon overbury

by nick nelson

jonathon overbury was born in carson city nevada in 1965. he was the oldest of the three children of daisy overbury. when jonathon was six the two younger children were placed in foster homes and daisy and jonathon moved to butte montana. when jonathon was seven daisy obtained a dog from a local shelter, and named it skippy. skippy was killed two yers later by a hit and run driver. jonathon was a quiet child and a below average student, with no thought of going to college, but he graduated from high school at the age of eighteen. throughout high school he worked at a supermarket, and continued working there after graduating from high school. he had a few drinks when he was sixteen, but did not like them. he has never had a drinking problem, or abused drugs, or gambled for more money than he could afford. he made one friend in high school, named al, and another friend at the supermarket, also named al. but they both moved away. the supermarket, which was not part of a chain, shut down. jonathon got jobs as a cook and waiter and counterman at various restaurants and fast food places. when he was thirty-two he got another dog from a shelter, which he named skippy two, but it disappeared. when he was thirty-four he married a woman named dora sue king, but she left him after eleven months. evey year, unless he is out of work, he takes a trip to las vegas or reno, where he does not gamble much, but enjoys the shows. he had no opinions about politics or religion or the events of the day. he never had any sudden realizations about anything. he feels that america is the greatest country in the world, and that he is lucky to be alive. approaching his sixtieth birthday, he gets up each every and faces the world with a smile.

jared brown

by nick nelson

jared brown, 55, a long time resident of bransonville, passed away yesterday after a long illness. mister brown was known as a passionate skateboarder in his youth. he is remembered by his many friends. a long time resident of bransonville. i never heard of him. me either. me either. i think i might have known him. well, one out of four's not bad. how did you know him? when i worked at universal and took the train, there was this guy i used to talk to at the station. what about? sports, mostly. the mets. i think i did most of the talking. i cam believe that. i don’t think he was really that much of a fan. he didn’t really know that much about the mets. and nothing about the islanders. are you sure it was the same guy? no. did he ever say anything about skateboards? i can’t remember. i wouldn’t have brought the subject up.

betty zimmer

by nick nelson

bob underwood, to all outward appearances, was an ordinary guy. he liked to go for long walks in the woods. nobody knew what he did in the long walks. maybe he did not do anything, just walked in the woods, mike thompson lived in the same town, purchaseville. mike liked to go for long walks in the rain. he always carried a big black umbrella, that he had inherited from his mother. the umbrella did a good job of keeping him dry, otherwise folks might have ragged him about getting wet. as it was, they just said, there goes mike, walking in the rain again. betty zimmer, who was a people person and always liked to suggest things to people that she thought might make their lives a little better or more interesting , said to bob underwood one day - you know, bob, you like to go for long walks in the woods and mike thompson likes to go for long walks in the rain, maybe you to guys could get together and go for long walks in the rain in the woods. why don’t you mind your own business, betty, bob quickly retorted. betty was hurt, and confided her hurt to her best friend, cathy gardner. don’t worry about it, cathy assured betty, you just keep on doing what you do, and baking the best chocolate chip cookies in purchaseville. and she did.

toss

by genghis gilgamesh

the redhaired princess tossed the blue ball, and the white dog chased it down the dusty road to a green bush. was the green bush in the middle of the dusty road? no, it was on the right side of the road as the dog ran down it, headed south. the direction the invading army was approaching from. a rider on a black steed came up the road with a message for the redhaired princess. that night a great ball was held in the golden castle, and the rider on the black steed asked the redhaired princess to dance. was he riding the black steed when he asked the princess to dance? no, the steed was changed unto a raven and was flying back to to headquarters of the invading army. while the dancing commenced, the three wisest creatures in the kingdom, the chief astrologer, the dowager queen, and the white dog, put their heads together beside the punchbowl, and deliberated on the ramifications of destiny and he fate of empires. when the ball was over, the princess was attended to by her three ravenhaired maids, who were a witch, a demon, and a vampire. her long red hair fell to the ground, and outside, the wind began to howl. when the sun rose, madness gripped the kingdom. the white dog ran the dusty road, but no one tossed it a blue ball, or any ball. the dog continued running down the road until it came to the sea, where it signed on as first mate on a tramp steamer headed for a mysterious island in the new world.