donald trump read the ten thousandth online entry - that day! - cursing him and hating him, and he began to cry.
that’s it, he thought, i can’t take it any more. forget retiring to a monastery, because there probably is not a monastery in the world that will take me. i will just have to hang myself.
he took a rope out of his desk and headed out to the back yard of the white house where there was a tree suitable for his purpose.
but when he reached the tree, who should he find waiting for him but st peter.
look here, don, st peter got right down to business, it is your decision as to what you wish to do. but before you go through with it, i have some fellows and a couple of gals here who have a few things to say to you. first off, let me introduce sir isaac newton and professor albert einstein, who will explain to you how the universe works.
professor einstein stepped forward, brandishing his beloved pipe. you understand, don, he began, that there are seven basic elements in the universe.
if you say so, professor, donald said. i hope you don’t expect me to remember all of them.
ha ha. no, the only one that concerns us here is the seventh and strongest one - the one that threatens to overwhelm al the others snd destroy the universe. i refer, of course, to hatred. are you with me so far?
i guess, donald replied. i know all about hatred.
but what you may not know, einstein said, is that hatred inexorably builds up over the years and centuries, and with the huge increase in human population over the last few centuries -
and humans are the largest producers of hatred, sir isaac newton interjected, with no one, not even scorpions or sharks or stonefish producing so much hatred per cubic ounce.
hatred can not be dissipated, einstein resumed, but its effects on the wider universe can be limited if it focused on a few individuals. that is where you come in.
donald nodded. i think i begin to understand.
st peter stepped forward again. i said i had some guys and a few gals for you to meet, don, and here they are.
donald looked up and beheld hitler, stalin, mao zedong, richard nixon, genghis khan, attila the hun, pontius pilate, salome, marie antoinette, and margaret thatcher.
stalin stepped forward and grasped donald’s hand. i just want to say, donald, how proud we all are of you , and what a great job you are doing under conditions none of us could have dreamed of.
thats right, brother, hitler added. i thought i had it rough - but what did i have to put up with, just hatred from countries i was running over! nothing from my own country, until a little bit at the end!
and in our day, margaret thatcher put in, all we had was television and the gutter press - every little jackanapes in the street didn’t have an organ of propaganda and hatred in his pocket that he could beam from 24 hours a day!
i used to cry myself to sleep every night, said marie antoinette, and all i had to put up with was pamphlets - hand-printed pamphlets!
i think i can speak for all of us, genghis khan said, when i say the job gets tougher all the time and you are the greatest of them all.
three cheers! shouted salome. three cheers for the donald!
think you can carry on, big fella? richard nixon asked when the cheers had subsided. you have shown you can handle it. we don’t know if anyone else can.
i - i’ll do it, donald managed to choke out. i - i’ll do everything i can to show you guys your faith in me is not misplaced.
st peter simply said, thank you, and they all disappeared .
donald was left alone on the white house lawn with the rope he had been going to hang himself with.
he wandered back into the white house.
whew, he thought, that was emotionally draining. i need some sustenance.
he called mcdonalds and ordered three bacon egg and cheese mcgriddles, three orders of hash browns, and a mango pineapple smoothie and a strawberry banana smoothie.
then he called dunkin and ordered a dozen glazed donuts.