pals, part 7: resolution

by horace p sternwall

illustrated by konrad kraus

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though they did not exactly fly the days did in fact go by despite some pathetic half hearted resolutions to life i had no solutions and it went on as before with no crescendo or roar and try try as i might against my fate i could not fight every night jane walked through my brain again and again and again not really driving me insane i was too defeated for that so i finally put on my hat and one night made my way back to ray's i still remembered the way nothing seemed to have changed nothing had to be explained bertha was behind the bar as usual as always smiling and schmoozical henry and jane were there at me they did not stare but gave me a cursory nod as if they did not find my presence odd henry continued what he had to say as if never noticing i had been away and jane listened to him intently she had also not noticed i was gone evidently or more likely they just didn't care so i sat down in my chair then decided i really needed a drink so off to the bar i did slink i could hear them chattering away as they probably had every day with complete obliviousness to my disappearance so unmysterious o henry couldn't you see that jane meant everything to me i thought you were my friend but you brought my life to an end i returned with my drink to the table as i was perfectly able and though my brain feebly resisted it was if i had never existed we walk through life in a dream too polite to scream too disciplined and well bred until the waters close over our head the end

pals, part 6: devastation and retreat

by horace p sternwall

illustrated by eddie el greco and konrad kraus

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"an early night, ben?" jane casually enquired, and then although it may have been my imagination i thought i saw a deputation of angels of compassion (but in no emphatic fashion) flit across her pale face but they quickly passed without a trace i was at a crossroads my brain staggered under heavy loads and its barely connected parts after a few fits and starts stopped functioning altogether and i didn't know whether i was dreaming or awake or if the world was real or fake how much time went by? i will not even try to approximately calculate but it probably determined my fate jane's eyes began to glaze her brows she slightly raised there was nothing left to say i knew i had better be on my way my brain contracted with cosmic fear i mumbled a goodbye she probably couldn't even hear and staggered away with a flea in my ear (to use an old fashioned expression so drear) the night was dark - what else would it be? but somehow i was able to see my way home to mrs brown's front door as i had done so many times before it was late - very late no one wondered at my fate or questioned my steps on the stairs as they had their own cares mrs brown slept the sleep of the good and the other boarders understood that everyone's world was their own in which they could silently squirm and moan replays danced and twisted in my head i tried to remember all that was said in the fateful hour just flashed in which all my dreams had crashed one thought especially thundered through my brain as i wondered what henry and jane were saying about my premature straying if i had stayed one minute more my head would not be in this uproar now i could picture henry's smirk because i had been such a jerk beer and pretzels they 'd be quaffing as at me they were laughing and then another terrible thought went through me like a shot i could picture their lips moving in conversation most improving i could hear their voices rise and fall as they never mentioned me at all not even in mockery or scorn i might as well never have been born the little man who was not there vanished into thinnest air i felt a strange reassurance at contemplating this possible occurrence and with this thought so deep i finally drifted off to sleep but not without a final musing on the dream i was losing but the dream was - what? maybe it was no dream - but images of henry and jane fell like raindrops in my brain henry turned into a yellow dog and jane to a doorway in the fog 7. resolution

pals, part 5: no escape

by horace p sternwall

illustrated by eddie el greco and konrad kraus

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in the pitiless whirlwind of the everyday where we never know what to say and time shreds our dreams and throws them in the universe's disappearing streams sometimes a moment comes when we hear the sound of pounding drums cutting through the constant buzz like a message that ever was as henry resumed his spiel explaining what was and was not real my eyes apparently became so glazed that even henry was fazed he stared at me and then said, " i hope i'm not boring you, ben" i tried to laugh it off and with a mendacious cough i said, "of course not, henry your conversation always fascinates me" he gazed at me in silent contemplation and then resumed his dissertation on the secret causes of world war one or maybe the exact moment the universe had begun in his even voice, as always before nothing less, but maybe something more my mind and eyes kept wandering to the door as they had never done before henry, who was actually somewhat perspicacious eyed me in a manner not quite gracious suddenly he stopped his face took on the look of a good cop "i am boring you," he exclaimed. "no doubt i have only myself to blame" although i did not get down on my knees i was full of apologies "i am sorry, henry," i mumbled on my secret had he stumbled? but what was my great secret? what did i have cause to regret? my feelings were no nebulous even i would be incredulous if i tried to in words to explain what i felt about jane who still had not come through the door as i glanced at it once more now henry, following my glance looked at me askance "expecting a visitor?" his eyes into me did bore "ah, just as i thought all along the same old sorry song you are certainly not the first it happens to the best and the worst -" "please," i heard myself say "i have had a long day and your wisdom, though rigorously distilled is still a bitter pill i think i need some fresh air" and under henry's incredulous stare i slowly rose from my chair looked at the door - still no jane there and departed the premises of ray's oh how many nights and days had passed, since once immured in my seat, i had so stirred before closing time was announced in my step there was no bounce as i stepped out into the night had my old life taken flight? or was this only a blip in the steady downward course of life's trip from nothingness to nowhere into the darkness i did stare my feet i began to move as i felt it did behoove me to leave ray's behind was i losing my mind? nobody called my name the street looked just the same the yawning emptiness of the night somehow felt just right a few hours alone in my room would not be a sentence of doom and so without remorse i set forth on my new old course my paychecks i would save to booze i would no longer be enslaved and so i had made up my mind but fate could not be so kind and to my doom i was lured for a voice behind me i heard my head i could not restrain from turning - and there was jane part 6

pals, part 4: reenter henry

by horace p sternwall

illustrated by danny delacroix and konrad kraus

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we walk through this world alone with secret dreams and silent moans in impenetrable dark with only an occasional spark what was jane to me but the same old mystery that envelops the trillion separate earths of a trillion separate births the whimperings and curses of a trillion universes abandoned and forlorn never asking to be born what had jane seen that night that had caused her to take flight was it any business of mine? a casual observer might well opine here i must confess i am beginning to digress i return to my narrative line next night i was right on time at the end of another day in "my" seat at rays cafe jane was not there, to my chagrin and then - henry walked in after greetings all around the bar he found and lovingly caressing his drink into "his" chair he did sink my world had been turned upside down but henry didn't laugh or frown in fact he hardly glanced at me but looked around quite placidly at the assembled denizens of rays who did not seem to be changing their ways they were staring at their suds as if all eternity was in their blood nothing seemed worth a mention then henry turned his attention to me - his features rearranged and he said "you've changed" i had the wherewithal to say "everything changes every day" he replied quick as a cat "you don't get off as easy as that - i think you will agree that nothing gets past me" "no," i replied, slightly nettled "i didn't know such a thing had been settled." henrys eyes grew slightly wide and he casually replied "no reason to get testy, old boy i didn't mean to annoy it has been a while since we met and i must confess i forget where we ended our last converse - did we leave the world better or worse?" a fool could plainly see that henry was trying to placate me in his usual easy way so why did i hear myself say - "i don't know how i lasted so long without your dance and song your infinite knowledge of all events your deep wisdom and profound sense of all that has been and will be " henry just stared at me as if i had grown a second head and then he said - "my, aren't we in a lather i thought you enjoyed my blather or if not actively enjoyed at least were never annoyed -" henry's eyes narrowed and then he opened them wide again - "ah" he exclaimed with a trace of glee "i think i begin to see - you are showing all the signs most of them not benign of a guy who has had his brain hammered by a dame yes, i see it now only too well one of them has cast her spell maybe on purpose, maybe not i never would have thought -" i felt i'd been punched in the gut "never would have thought what?" "oh, i didn't mean to upset you" henry took a sip of his brew "we can talk about politics instead" a whirlwind roared in my head henry nodded and winked i didn't know what to think and where was jane tonight? nothing seemed right i really didn't know what to say about this game i didn't know how to play part 5. no escape

pals, part 3: dangerous

by horace p sternwall

illustrated by roy dismas and konrad kraus

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night turned to dawn the world moved on on the details i will not dwell but evening finally fell i told my brain, don't start but with a palpitating heart i made my way back to ray's cafe wondering what i would say for i was trembling with fear that jane would not be there but if the truth i could tell i was also afraid of the strange spell she had cast on my fevered brain that i could not explain and i told myself i believed i would actually be relieved if she did not even show and then i could safely go back to the warm embrace of the life i had learned to face life just goes on and on another night, another dawn what is wrong with that anyway? that would be hard to say now jane had entered the mixture and changed the whole picture could i ever go back again to the way i had always been? in my brain i heard a roar my steps brought me closer to the door i pushed it open with a force of will and then everything grew still that is, in my own perception to everyone else, without exception nothing in the room, or the world, had changed everything was still the same again, henry was not there but seated in "his" chair as if she had every right to be was my woman of mystery she was looking down at the table as though she were not able to unravel some mysterious rune or hear some forgotten tune i approached with some hesitation and fearful trepidation she suddenly raised her head "oh, there you are," she said as if it were the most natural thing my presence to her to bring i steadied myself on the table and responded as well as i was able "i will only be a minute" i brought back a glass with liquor in it what could be more civilized? a hurricane whirled behind my eyes "as i was saying", she resumed and started in on what i would soon recognize as her obsessions which branched off in many directions like henry she was a fund of knowledge perhaps not learned in any college of wide repute - but rather the strange fancies the wind would gather and scatter to the desperate brains of those who walk in wind and rain and seek to look behind the curtain of this world so flickering and uncertain she expounded on the "new hope" but scorned the masons and the pope einstein and darwin, freud and marx were only fit to feed the sharks it all made perfect, and no sense i was her perfect audience her flow of words fell down on me like raindrops on a calm blue sea then suddenly - she stopped i thought perhaps she wanted to cop a cigarette - and offered my pack but she was staring out the window behind my back i turned and looked - nothing - she shook her head - "for a minute i thought i saw - wait - i forgot - " and with this and other mumbles she jumped to her feet and stumbled out the door - leaving me in a cloud of wavering mystery perhaps at this juncture i should take the time to puncture any thought you might entertain that jane was a "dangerous dame" and in view of what i will relate as to my and her ultimate fate that she was some kind of "femme fatale" and not just an unfortunate gal another speck of human dust wandering blind , as we all must who fell in with the wrong crowd - the roaring in my brain is getting loud - 4. reenter henry

pals, part 2: jane

by horace p sternwall

illustrated by roy dismas and konrad kraus

part two of three or four

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she said her name was jane a perfect name for a sad refrain though i knew not at the time when she locked her eyes on mine as to why she spoke to me that remains a mystery that i can not now dispel though the story i can tell "you wouldn't have - a cigarette?" "sure, " i mumbled, "you bet." "and a light?" "right." she did not even say thanks her eyes were complete blanks "you live here?" she asked my brain was not up to the task i muttered something insensible even to myself incomprehensible "i didn't mean here in ray's cafe i meant where do you live all day?" "sometimes i live here," i said "when the place closes i go to bed." "and where might that be?," she insisted i was surprised by the way that she persisted i said "i live in mrs brown's well within the outskirts of town for working persons who need their sleep her prices are not too steep" her eyes bored into me "so you value respectability?" "i just value my rest" "yes," she replied, "i suppose that is best" i was now over my initial shock and managed to almost normally talk her eyes scanned the cafe in her curious listless way she fingered a strand of her hair and hit me with another stare "your friend you talk to every night you seem to think he's pretty bright" "you must mean henry," i replied her eyes narrowed (they were never wide) "henry is not a bad chap but his conversation is all over the map" "but i never see you argue - do you think all his pronouncements true?" "oh no, " i replied "it's just that i never take sides" "i think all talk is the same just a pulse in the human brain that releases the pressure of existence even if it makes no sense" "i see." she stared intently "then you might be just the man for me - what did you say your name was again?" "i didn't - but it's ben" "well, ben" - did her eyes slightly glisten? "i like to talk myself, but no one listens so i have silently walked to earth crushed by indifference since my birth that somebody might hear my views and not beg off with some excuse after all these years almost brings me to tears" her gaze, though empty, transfixed me and i answered "certainly i am sure that your well rehearsed opinions over my mind will exert dominion" no further prompting did she need her words flowed forth with urgent speed on religion, politics, love and art and that was just a start pausing only some alcohol to get or to light another cigarette (which i continued to provide) her soliloquy did not subside to get a word in i did not try i could see from the corner of my eye bertha at the bar dispensing booze and looking on quite amused suddenly jane's conversation ended and silence descended her eyes turned off their beam and i awoke as from a dream she mumbled something i could not discern to the clock on the wall her eyes did turn "oh my," she said, "it's closing time i hope i haven't been out of line boring you this way" "oh no, " i heard myself say the pleasure was all mine let's do it again some time" she managed a sort of smile which i saw as without guile and left with no more reply except a mumbled good-bye as she quickly made her way out i thought, what was that all about? i saw bertha wiping the bar with a rag and realized i was nine-tenths in the bag i staggered home and fell into bed curious visions swirled in my head all i could think of was my new friend and i wondered how it all would end as my sleepy brain grew dim henry, i thought - what of him? is he involved in all this? is there something i have missed? part 3: dangerous