down to breakfast

by nick nelson

when amanda came down to breakfast, she was surprised to find her stepson wilbur seated at the table, as she thought he was studying anthropology at the university of a—————, two thousand miles away. good morning, wilbur, aren’t you supposed to studying anthropology at the universiity of a—————? no, i have decided anthropology is not for me. amanda took two pieces of sliced sourdough bread out of a plastic bag and put them in the toaster. then what is for you?, if you do not mind my asking.. i though i might just hang out for a while, see what comes up. and what does walter have to say about this? walter was amanda’s husband and wilbur’s father. he doesn’t have anything to say about it. really? and does he have anything to say about saying anything about it? no. amanda laughed. she looked down at the toast toasting in the toaster. well, we can ask him when he gets up. he isn’t getting up. excuse me? i said he isn’t getting up. what do you mean? what do you think i mean? the toaster dinged and the toast popped up. amanda ignored it, and turned and went back up the stairs. she entered walter’s bedroom, which she had not shared for years. walter was lying on his side on the bed, with the bedclothes in a jumble around his head and shoulders. amanda saw right away that he was dead, although there were no visible signs of violence on him. wilbur must have killed him somehow, she thought. she knew enough not to touch the body. she had some experience in such matters, as she had successfully murdered her first husband seventeen years before. she went back downstairs. as she expected, wilbur was gone. amanda sighed. i will have have to call the police, she thought. i will have my my toast and cup of coffee first.

terrible 4

by horace p sternwall

genghis khan was a rambler and went his own way omar khayyam was a gambler and made his own say confucius was a wise man and sat beneath a tree adam was a working man with no philosophy eve wrote a novel and left it on a park bench moses wandered in the desert and felt every man was his hench i have no time for all this king henry thundered from his throne bring me some flattery and engrave it in stone the sun rose over the ocean and the birds flew away the fishermen left their boats behind but the fish had to stay the sun rose over the desert and the snakes went to sleep cain stole abel’s treasure and buried it deep sinbad sailed the seven seas beneath a sky of blue some of the tales about him may not even be true have you a story to tell yourself boring as it may be? do you want to be rich and famous or only to be free?

terrible 3

by horace p sternwall

why does everybody hate me isaac newton asked his mom because you have no class interjected the butler with aplomb the butler’s name was bob ford and he wore a suit of black when jesse james threw a brick through the window he shot poor jesse in the back isaac’s mom had been a queen but left her crown in a taxicab she took to the streets to find the thief and they called her nellie the nab isaac’s dad was a broker who took anything in pawn when king richard asked him his business he answered with a yawn when king george raised a ruckus they gave him a jacket of blue blackbeard sailed the seven seas at the head of a jolly crew king john had a number and forgot to write it down when he went back to get it the rebels had seized the town karl marx had a potato and tried to peel it himself he gave it up as a hopeless cause that was endangering his health all things must pass like a snake from the road to the grass the snake might be your best friend but what does that sign in the sky portend?

terrible 2

by horace p sternwall

long ago, when the world was young adam had a stick and eve had a tongue adam knocked apples off the trees and eve hurled imprecations into the breeze the sun comes up, the moon goes down a dog and a monkey went to town they passed an elephant and a cow tripped on a rock, and were hitched to a plow the earth blew up and turned into a rocket adam put eve in his back pocket she hit him on the head with a frying pan and they went into orbit over disneyland i got an a i companion and a giant squid in a secret passage in my left eyelid the rules are rules, but not for me because all i want is to be free

terrible

by horace p sternwall

adam smith and a zebra known as old bill operated a yogurt stand on top of a windy hill delilah never baked brownies or painted her toenails blue or cut off samson’s curly locks those stories are all untrue columbus was a sailor bold and nailed his colors to the mast things went his way for a little while but he knew they could not last genghis khan liked apples so he went for a little walk when he discovered the garden of eden he received a terrible shock the serpent was gone and left a note behind saying, nothing is real but i don't mind genghis chewed on a straw and sat on a leaf and prayed for rain but got no relief noah came by with a hammer and a nail wearing a yellow ribbon and got thrown in jail the river rose but the creek ran dry i will sing a new song by and by

haberdasher

by horace p sternwall

harry jones was a haberdasher and a good one at that some said he was thin and some said he was fat some said he was a family man and quiet evenings at home enjoyed others that he liked his drink and played poker with the boys some said he was a democrat others a republican true harry said it didn’t matter how about you? some thought harry had a secret and wrote the great american novel in his sleep others were more circumspect and did not think he was so deep some folks said that harry was descended from the kings of spain when he was asked about it he winked, and winked again just who harry really was remains a mystery one thing you can say for sure - all he wanted was to be free

lonely

by horace p sternwall

people are lonely so they say they got together back in the day at circuses and county fairs and churches where they said their prayers they had their ways and they had their isness and everybody knew everybody’s business everybody was everybody’s brother maybe they got a bit tired of each other then some genius invented a new invention that changed the world and upset all convention you knew what it is you hold one in your hand you are alone now ain’t life grand?