conrad and walter

by nick nelson

conrad castleberry iv was a born and bred natural hero worshiper. his great grandfather taught him to admire jesse james and john dillinger and jack london his grandfather taught him to revere general douglas macarthur and john wayne and ernest hemingway. and his dad taught him to think highly of tom brady and john lennon and charles bukowski. conrad admired all these heroes and many more, both “real life”, and fictional. a child of his time, conrad also came to admire the popular podcaster walter whistleberry, and considered him the greatest and wisest hero and champion of all time, sent by fate to illuminate and rescue the human race, and save it from the forces attempting to destroy it. conrad noticed an announcement online that a debate was to be held at his local library, where two persons he had never heard of would face off on the topic - walter whistleberry, savior of the nation? of course, conrad thought, walter whistleberry is the savior of the nation and of the world. what could be more obvious? but he eas curious as to what the two people would have to say about his hero, so he showed up at the library at the appointed time. an audience of about forty people was waiting in folding chairs that almost filled the small room in the back of the library.. there was no podium or stage. the two speakers would take turns standing and addressing the audience from behind a table in the front of the room. many of the people in attendance were chatting animatedly in small groups. conrad did not know anybody there and seated himself in the back of the room, at one end of a row of the folding chairs. a librarian whom conrad recognized.although he did not know her name, announced that the proceedings were about to begin. the two speakers were a mr norbert natchez, a rather portly individual wearing a rainbow colored tank top that did not improve his appearance and a ms claudine carter, a well groomed young woman whom conrad thought rather attractive in a severe way. ms carter spoke first - the first thing we have to understand, she announced, is that walter whistleberry is a clown, and even more of a fraud than a clown. conrad was stunned. he felt as if he had been struck on the top of his head by a ten pound hammer. walter whistleberry a clown and a fraud! and he, conrad, had never suspected for a minute. he could hardly hear ms carter’s following words through the fog that enveloped his shattered brain. conrad managed to get to his feet and to stumble down the side of the room and out into the library proper. he thought somebody might ask him if he felt all right but nobody did and he made his way out of the library and down its wide steps and into the dark street. the universe spread out before him like a black piece of paper with nothing written on it, crumpled up and tumbling in the wind.

the lost friend

by nick nelson

woodrow wilson and herbert hoover were best friends for twenty-three years. one day herbert hoover disappeared. woodrow wilson went down to city hall to apply for a new friend. the clerk had a name tag which identified her as sally brown. she had a no nonsense manner. this friend of yours, she asked woodrow wilson, what was his number? his name was herbert hoover. i did not ask you that, i asked you what his number was. i do not know. he was your best friend for twenty-three years, and you do not know his number? no, i never asked. do you know your own number? it is on my phone. but you van not tell me it without looking at your phone? no, i am sorry. you people! sally brown exclaimed exasperatedly. what are we going to do with you? i am sorry, i am nor good at numbers. i guess not. did you report this herbert hoover person as missing? of course. when? yesterday, at four in the afternoon. all right, show me your phone. you will give it back to me, right? of course i will give it back to you. woodrow wilson handed his phone to sally brown with a reluctant air. .give me a second, sally told him. woodrow wilson looked around the vast cavernous expanse of city hall as sally brown checked the records. his whole life flashed before his eyes. he wondered what was going to happen to him, and when.

bob and his friends

by nick nelson

bob b was just a guy. or so it seemed. he went his own way. his best friend was his dog, lightning, whom he had known all his life, because lightning was a year older than he was. his second best friend was mike, a martian. and his third best frtend was chumbo, a chimpanzee, now at this time, the imperial authorities had declared it a crime to be friends with a martian. but bob didn’t care, because that as just the way he was. mike was hiding out in an old abandoned warehouse out on the abandoned highway beyond the outskirts of town. when the sun went down, bob, always accompanied by lightning and sometimes by chumbo as well, would bring bring food to mike, usually cheeseburgers and fries, but sometimes a steak sub or a ham and egg sub. martians do not require much liquid, and mike could usually get by on rainwater he collected in a big old oil drum, but when there was no rain for a spell, bob would bring him a bottle of water as well as the cheeseburger or sub. sometimes bob would be stopped by the highway patrol who would ask him where he was going, and bob would say - i am just going for a walk to get some exercise and my dog needs it too, as he is getting old and can use the exercise and the fresh air out here beyond the city as well. the highway patrolpersons never suspected a thing, but just said , that’s all right buddy, you take care now and your dog too. and if chumbo was .with them, they would add, and your monkey too, even though chumbo was a chimp and not a monkey because most people do not know the difference. one brisk afternoon bob and lightning and chumbo were on their way out to the old abandoned warehouse when they noticed they were being followed not by highway patrol car but by a young woman on a bicycle. she rode up and asked them, where are you guys going? she had a name tag on her shirt that read - hi! i’m nancy. > bob answered as he always answered the highway patrol, that he was getting some exercise and fresh air and so forth, and nancy seemed to accept this. but she pedaled her bike no faster than bob and lightning and chumbo could walk, and kept moving a little way ahead of them and then falling back to where they were, bob suspected that she was an agent of the imperial security police, so they did not go alll the way out to the old warehouse, but stopped at the city line, and sat down and shared out the ham and segg sub they had brought for mike, and also the bottle of water they had, because it was the dry season. bob offered nancy some of the humble repast, but she politely declined, saying i eat healthier food than that - which confirmed bob’s suspicion that she was an imperial agent - and she laughed, but in a perfectly friendly way. the next day they got up earlier than usual and made the trip again, and saw no sign of nancy or anybody else, but when they got to the old abandoned warehouse mike was gone! and they never saw or heard from him again.