operator, give me central

by horace p sternwall

albert jones had a little dog that he took for long walks in the fog betty brown had a perfect smile with which she practiced her feminine wiles captain columbus wenrt down with his ship and on history recorded no blip davy crockett was a master of disguise and walked beneath cerulean skies edith emms bought a radio at macy’s and listened to the shadow and dick tracy francisco pizarro conquered peru when he had nothing better to do george washington had a notion to stick his toes in the atlantic ocean harry houdini lost his way when he went out in the rain one sunny day the royal inquisitor had a cat he grew thin, but the cat got fat nobody messed with johnny jones when he was finished eating, he chewed on bones king arthur had a voodoo doll he found in a dumpster behind the mall her dress was red and her hair was blue and arthur hoped her heart was true monuments are built to last but no one can predict the past nobody lived to tell the tale of nebuchadnezzar and the whale

sitting in the rain

by dog e relaford

don’t want to run don’t want to jog just sitting in the rain lost in the fog don’t want to laugh don’t want to cry just sitting in the rain can’t get dry ain’t got no coat ain’t got no hat just sitting in the rain how about that? my mama told me when i was just a child you will sit in the rain because you will never run wild

eden

by dog e relaford

adam had a nickel but he needed a dime eve sent him back to the end of the line billy had a dollar but he needed twenty more blackbeard left him on a distant alien shore christopher had a painting painted by andy warhol himself santa claus would not buy it so he gave it to an elf daniel had a folio filled with stocks and bonds but the doctor was not home so he left it on the lawn erwin had an atom that he could not split but his old pappy told him that a scout never quit frank went to the station to wait for the train but the train was late and it started to rain

the execution

by fred flynn

the execution, the first in many generations, had been scheduled for high noon, imperial capital time, and all the inhabitants of the planet had been invited to watch it. the case of citizen p-7845-67-d, referred to in the low-end media sometimes as davy crockett and sometimes as tilgath pileser xxiii, had dragged on for some time, and the council and the senate had both decided that the situation was an embarrassment and that it was time to resolve it. citizen p-7845-67-d, a class 23 functionary of the culinary discipline corp, was the last avowed adherent of the timscrum, or purple-amber party, whose doctrines and assemblies been declared void by the central approval committee some three years earlier. the members of the timscrum/purple-amber party had been given every opportunity to switch their allegiance to an approved party, or to join the dwindling ranks of those (now down to .00063 percent of the imperial population) who chose to declare no party affiliation. but p-7845-67-d remained adamant. though there seemed to be little or no sympathy for p-7845-67-d even among the lowest elements of the population, and no one was claiming that p-7845-67-d represented any threat to the peace or security of the empire, the senate and council could no longer countenance the loss of face involved in the situation, and consequently p-7845-67-d was declared an outlaw and a non-citizen and the execution scheduled. on the morning of the execution, the imperial security guard transported p-7845-67-d from the 53rd floor office of the culinary discipline corp to the grand esplanade, where the terrible event was to take place. the esplanade had been cleared of its usual strollers and sightseers and of its booths selling hot dogs and ice cream and souvenirs. p-7845-67-d was escorted to the center of the great green expanse and left there, standing alone. a voice blasted over the cleared space and echoed back from the surrounding great buildings of the capital. p-7845-67-d, the voice thundered, your citizenship, your membership in the human race, and your place in the scheme of all living things, are hereby revoked. may history forever abhor your iniquity, and forget your existence. the ceremony was over. the imperial security guard escorted p-7845-67-d back to the office of the culinary discipline corp. p-7845-67-d had missed the scheduled lunch break, and obtained a cup of tea and a lemon scone, and consumed them alone, as usual, in a corner of the otherwise empty building cafeteria.

what life is all about

by horace p sternwall

johnny walker and stagger lee were the best of friends. one night they were playing cribbage in stagger lee’s room, and johnny said - you ought to polish this board, it looks a little dull and i can hardly see the holes in it. what do you know about polishing a cribbage board? stagger lee drawled languidly. did they even play cribbage in that swamp you crawled out of after you hatched? johnny got so mad he got up and left the room and went outside and began walking. even though it was raining out. stagger lee took out his phone and decided to call frankie larue. he got a recorded message. hello, this is frankie larue. if you are stagger lee or johnny walker, i do not wish to talk to either of you two-bit bums. anybody else, please leave a message and i will get back to you at my earliest convenience. thank you. stagger lee sighed and put his hat on and went outside and started walking down the street in the rain until he came to marie laveau’s cafe. he looked in the window. marie was behind the counter with a scowl on her face and her arms folded across her massive upper body. johnny walker was seated at a table in the center of the room talking to king arthur. they were the only customers. stagger lee had enough change to buy a cup of coffee but he was hungry and wished to also purchase a ham and catfish sandwich, so against his better judgment he entered the cafe and approached johnny and king arthur to ask if they could help hm out. johnny turned on him savagely. you have some nerve, brother. first you calumniate my ancestry and now you rudely interrupt my palaver with the king and express a wish to leech on me like a giant squid lurking in the depths of the bay. i do not think this is at all acceptable behavior. king arthur, with a regal smile, produced a gold coin from his sleeve and handed it to stagger lee, who thanked him politely and headed to the counter to give marie his order. johnny and the king resumed their discussion. stagger lee took his cup of coffee to a seat in front of the window while marie made his sandwich. he stared out at the raindrops bouncing on the pavement, and thought as beautiful thoughts as he could, under the somewhat trying circumstances.

bob and bill

by fred flynn

bob and bill were the last two people left on earth. bob liked to go for long walks in the rain(and there was a lot of rain for him to go walking in). he did not carry an umbrella, and there might not have been any left on earth. bill had a car - the last one left on earth. bill liked to drive past bob when he was walking in the rain. bill would slow down, roll his window down, and shout - hey bob,,getting wet, buddy? ha ha ha ha ha! and bill would drive back to his lair and leave bob in the rain and wind. bill would sometimes deliberately splash bob with water from the endless puddles, and laugh even harder as he drove away. finally the day came when bill had no more gas for his car (which had been starting to run down anyway). bob had no idea how to find more gas for the car, let alone how to produce it himself. bob started going for walks in the rain himself. one day (or night, it was hard to tell them apart in the endless rain) bill came across bob. well, buddy, bill said, it looks we are just a couple of bums walking in the rain. who are you calling a bum? bob replied.

witness: a fragment

by horace p sternwall

endless dragons are endlessly slain only to rise and be slain again no sooner has good triumphed than by a bad guy off it is bumped the universe spins around empires rise and fall in a blink really making you stop and think i knew a man named cy who watched the world go by he was always bumming rides so that he could run away and hide a puppet on a string gets to witness many things and when his memoirs he begins to write suddenly a great light ———