i dreamed i was a lizard
with a long white shiny tail
and i made myself a sandwich
while jesse james robbed the mail
i found some ham and mustard
in the desk of william mckinley
but the mustard was a little low
and so i spread it thinly
boss tweed called my attention
to a spider on the wall
but the spider was no friend of mine
and so i heeded not his call
the queen wrote me a letter
on which the maid spilled tea
i knew that such things happened
but not to the likes of me
it has been my misfortune
to live in troubled times
woe and disappointment
are the subject of my rhymes
o you who ride on snow white steeds
and in carriages of gold
save your dimes and nickels
so that your fortunes may be told
do you remember the governess
who stole your favorite doll?
she tells fortunes down on main street
and waits for you to call
if you were a nicer person
you would favor her with your trade
but on second and third thought
some things are better left unsaid
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