all that apply

by bofa xesjum

which of these words or phrases do you think describe yourself? please check all that apply. alien alpha ass autistic autocrat bastard bigfoot bitch blowhard bohemian boomer bore bully charmer chauvinist clown contrarian crazy son of a bitch cyborg deplorable degenerate disturbed dope drama queen egghead eggplant egotist fanatic fascist fool frigid gentleman gladhander good guy grapefruit great guy great lady hardcase hickey puck hunk hypocrite ice maiden idiot ignoramus jackass jerk karen knucklehead lady loser lothario lulu masochist mensch moron nice person neanderthal nonentity omega peasant pervert pompous ass psychopath quack racist radical reactionary rebel revolutionary sadist sexist sissy snowflake social justice warrior sociopath solipsist son of a bitch space cadet stooge terrible person tragic waste useful idiot warrior winner wonderful human being excruciating bore young man in a hurry zero zyborg

late one night

by horace p sternwall

the swede got off work at the factory and came home and found his mail order bride dead drunk on the floor. an old wallet was on the table and the swede thought it belonged to the polack. he went out and went down to the beer hall. the irishman said the polack had not been around all that night. the swede went over to ikey rosen’s pawn shop and bought a knife with five blades. next he went over to the laundry but the chinaman had not seen the polack either. the chinaman told the swede to go home and sleep it off. later the chinaman told the oft told tale to sheriff joe black. look very bad, the chinaman said. the swede will be all right the sheriff told him, it’s not like he’s some hotheaded dago who is going to get all excited and go loco. the sheriff went outside and looked down the street. colonel porter’s filipino houseboy snd a couple of negroes were shooting craps in front of miss wilson’s dress shop which was closed for the night. a cloud passed over the moon. the sheriff almost stepped on a black cat and it ran away, spitting fire and rain

up on the hill

by horace p sternwall

there once was a guy named bill he had a mule and a dog and lived on a hill the mule wore a hat made in spain and the dog had an old tin can for a brain the dog’s name was frankie lee what else would it be? the mule was called sleepytime joe he always went with the flow they did not get many visitors revenue men or spanish inquisitors an occasional lightning bolt would give them a nudge or a jolt trees grew on the hill the way trees will birds lived in the branches and took their chances snakes crawled on the ground some bigger than others and bears and possums avoided them if they had their druthers one day bill got a postcard from a lawyer in the town and terrible things transpired but nobody wrote them down bill and joe and frankie lee are no longer to be found but a portion of their old black stove still sticks up from the ground

trees

by wiggly jones,"the little hippie boy"

two monkeys named mick and mike and a baboon named bart are walking through the jungle and they come to an apple tree and a banana tree. the monkeys like apples and the baboon likes bananas. mick and mike fight over the apples and mike kills or at least seriously injures mick. bart is free to eat all the bananas he wants, as the monkeys do not want them. mike and bart continue on their way. they come to a plum tree. neither of them really like plums all that much. they decide to wait. after a while a bear named bruce shows up. unlike mike and bart, bruce is quite fond of plums. he would prefer not to have to fight mike and/or bart for them. after taking the measure of mike and bart, bruce decides to form an alliance with bart against mike. bruce and bart chase mike away from the plum tree. bruce stuffs himself with plums and generously offers to share them with bart, who gratefully accepts a couple even though he is not really hungry and does not really like plums. after devouring the plums, bruce and bart go their separate ways. as fate would have it, bart encounters mike again, sitting on a rock and looking sad. after a few desultory recriminations from mike, they hook up again and go on their not so merry way. they do not come to any more trees, at least no live ones with any fruit on them. they find a dead one, with bugs in it. that is the best they can do. mike is more adept at catching the bugs than bart, and does not let bart forget it. bart expresses proper gratitude to mike for catching bugs for him, but deep down he does not really mean it. after finishing with the bugs and the tree, they move on again. rain begins to fall. they encounter a chimp, a female named catherine. this is where things begin to get interesting. but that is another tale for another day.

last call

by horace p sternwall

long away and far away life was a brand new broadway play folks looked rich but were really broke did nothing all day but drink and smoke style and class were tattered dreams not yet awakened from or so it seems no one entered without knocking a few things were still considered shocking peyton crull was the last of his race he had a drink in his hand and a scar on his face his life had been a total waste he was reputed to have peculiar tastes every afternoon at five peyton almost came alive he switched from gin to whiskey and his eyes grew misty the fire in his brain burned low as he thought of days of long ago but he had other thoughts as well on which he would occasionally dwell he dreamed of a future bright in which everything would be all right a happy day to come in which he would not be a bum in which one happy human race with a single smile on its happy face would hold him in its warm embrace… the fantasy faded, leaving no trace caught like a fly between two spiders trampled on by the other riders on the nostalgia-future train peyton lifted his glass again and drank to those who came before and those still wandering on the shore and those on the horizon dim marching with glittering eyes toward him he drank to the damned and the elect and those who showed him no respect yes, those were the worst of all… did he hear a footstep in the hall?

the lady from spain

by nick nelson

once there was a beaver named bob who was friends with a rabbit named jack they were a couple of slobs and of intelligence had a great lack one day they went to town and encountered a lady from spain she wore a purple ball gown and had just hopped off a freight train are you a vampire, bob asked just for something to say the lady quickly took him to task like a horse with a mouthful of hay you guys slay me, she asserted as bob looked askance at jack and a crisis was narrowly averted when old number 9 came down the track a man from spain got off number 9 with a black mustache on his face his shoes had a professional shine and he hated the whole human race he greeted bob and jack with a sneer and the lady with a sweeping bow and said, i see i have nothing to fear but will be damned if i know why or how in another time and another place a lady told her maid you should always wear a smile on your face not only when you get paid outside the window the sun went down and darkness crept over the lawn the lady assumed a worried frown because the croquet wickets were gone

ruler

by wiggly jones,"the little hippie boy"

if asked to rule the world, i would give it mature consideration the last time i ruled the world it did not go well i never get excited when asked to rule the world for i have ever been a poet and a dreamer my uncle, who ruled before me, was a nice person, maybe too nice when i was in the prime of my youth i could not decide whether to save the world or conquer it i would be an effective ruler if i had loyal subjects i am starting to feel sleepy i have secret dreams my first counselor was a natural born liar nobody knows you when you are down and out never say you are sorry especially when you are guilty the council were afraid they couldn’t use me we kept it in the family i always wanted a garden and a competent gardener i hate people who think they know everything you might be surprised you know what they say one day i awoke as if from a dream do you know what lies beyond the castle walls? sometimes i wonder i am really no better than anybody else but is anybody else better than me?