eden

by horace p sternwall

i dreamed i was back in the garden of eden eating apples and smiting the heathen eve had a basket of bananas on her head adam was weeping because his dog was dead little moses was sitting in a tree just seeing what he could see adam, he said to the first man don’t you know there is a master plan? your dog - what was his name again? was a beast of burden and a child of sin but now he is happy in heaven above running through fields of eternal love he was no burden to me, quoth adam i was always quite happy to have him he had an opinion on everyhing and his happy bark made my heart sing my friend, said little moses life is no bed of roses but a series of desperate poses punctuated by punches on the noses quoth adam, your attempts at wit do not affect me one bit the message to the cosmos you send has no beginning and no end little moses affected to yawn and suddenly he was gone the branch of the tree was bare because he was no longer there i awoke from my dream in the dark and heard my bulldog bark i put my shoes on my feet and went outside in the street i had my hat on my head because i am always well bred i had a face and a name and was ready to play the game i had everything i possessed in a pocket in my checkered vest i wanted to wager it all but the dog only wanted to chase a ball

wake up to a new day

by bofa xesjum

sun moon sky cloud rain flower wind breeze stars boy girl man woman mom dad cat dog day night tree leaf happy sad eternity forever * never love hate proletariat workers revolution new old young children sunset sunrise evening midnight dawn king queen prince princess warrior knight battle victory empire kingdom * defeat glory glorious poet poetry artist soul ancient wisdom heart castle bluebird happiness ecstasy romance romantic rough tough gentle soft hard road lonesome whistle freight * train life death coffee tea cafe wine whiskey beer saint sinner prophet horizon army war peace crime punishment guilt confession white red orange yellow green * blue purple pink brown desire despair ennui passion storm sea river lily field rose thorn wall dungeon dragon monster maiden stream shore banks gold silver * music planets guitar piano harp macaroni spaghetti beans food drink apple banana cauliflower peach eggplant lion tiger elephant gorilla monkey baboon chimp antelope spider butterfly

fred

by dog e relaford

last night i had the strangest dream that nothing was really what it seemed i threw my old dog fred a ball but he did not answer when i called instead he turned and looked askance and asked me, would you like to dance? fred, i said, you know me well but there are things i must never tell we toss a ball around a park but there are things which must stay dark you have your secrets, i have mine let us play while the sun still shines fred fixed me with a glacial eye and something deep within me died i woke, and gave a happy shout and wondered, what was that about?

wasted

by bofa xesjum

buck was watching dr kildare on one of the retro tv stations, when jocko came in with a large pepperoni pizza. how can you waste your life watching that stuff? jocko asked. he sat down on the couch and put his pizza box on the coffee table. jocko was probably intending to be humorous, but buck, who had a markedly deficient sense of humor, took him seriously, as he often did. that’s not a nice thing to say, buck said to jocko. what? what’s not a nice thing to say? that i am wasting my life. it’s not nice to say that anybody is wasting their life. least of all you, right? i did not say that. there you go again, twisting my words. don’t take it so seriously, jocko said. he opened his pizza box and carefully extracted a slice. are you going to offer me some of that? buck asked. you’ve got a phone, order your own pizza. all right, be that way. but you still should not say i am wasting my life. don’t take it personal. everybody’s life is wasted, when you stop and think about it. that’s a terrible thing to say. you think? give me an example of somebody who didn’t waste their life. buck thought for about ten seconds. alexander the great. did alexander the great waste his life? of course. he should have stayed home and married a nice greek girl, instead of causing so much commotion and burning down all those cities.. and he might have lived to a ripe old age. all right, how about mother teresa? did she waste her life? mother teresa! brother, you did not get the memo , mother teresa is not a good person any more, she has been thrown into the pit. why, what did she do? i don’t know, i think she disrespected somebody, you could look it up. how about albert einstein? he invented the atomic bomb. he didn’t have to do that, did he? he might have wasted everybody’s life, not just his own. michelangelo. he should have stayed in his village and married a nice girl. and had lots of children and grandchildren, instead of going to rome and hanging out with popes and cardinals, because no good can come of that. how about some other great artists? picasso? andy warhol? van gogh, what about van gogh? he’s another one who should have stayed home and married a nice girl, instead of going to some desert island and catching leprosy. i never knew you were so big on staying home snd marrying nice girls. all right, this is my last shot. wilt chamberlain, did he waste his life? who? wilt chamberlain. he was a basketball player, but what he really did was have sex with 20,000 women. and there was this other guy, a french writer named george somebody, he had sex with 20,000 women too. the same 20,000 or a different 20,000? um - i think different. be that as it may, did either of these guys have some documentation to back up their claims? some videos? i think i will defer judgment until i see some proof. suddenly there was a knock on the door. jocko got up and opened it and it was the lady next door. can you guys keep the noise down? the lady next door asked. i got two sick little children trying to get some sleep, and i have to get up at five o’clock and go to work.. noise from what? jocko asked. us talking? no, the tv, it’s kind of loud. but it’s just dr kildare, what if it was gunsmoke or rowan and martin? we will turn it down, buck said. you will have to excuse my friend, he is a braindead subhuman, he was born that way and can’t help it. thank you, sir. the lady went back to next door. all right, smart guy, what are we going to watch now? got any suggestions? yes, now that you mention it, i do have a suggestion. and that is? there is this guy that sells vegetable slicers. he has this ad on i think 8734, and he sells the vegetable slicer for about 25 minutes. that sounds exciting. it is! he gives 100 percent the whole time, puts everything he has into it. he sells that vegetable slicer! it is inspiring, it will make you feel good to be alive.

haters gonna hate

by genghis gilgamesh

blue jones woke up. it took him a few seconds to remember who he was and what he was. and what his purpose in life was. he was the unluckiest guy who ever lived. and he hated the whole human race. especially rich people. anybody who had more money than he did was a rich person. and famous people. anybody who had ever had a story about them in the media was a famous person. and people who thought they knew everything. which was just about everybody in the world. with all that settled, he decided to get dressed and go downstairs and get a cup of coffee. on the way down in the elevator he thought about the screenplay he was thinking of writing. in the story, aliens had conquered earth and enslaved all the humans in it. all the humans were now equal. the people who had been rich and famous and knew everything were just slaves like everybody else. the aliens were ruled by a beautiful evil queen. one day she got bored and decided to leave earth behind. but before she went, would she free the humans or exterminate them? for her amusement, she decided to stage a gladiatorial contest between one of her trained mighty bodyguards, and a human selected at random. if the human won, the human race would be spared. but if the queen’s bodyguard won, the humans would be wiped out before the aliens took off for greener pastures. the lottery was held to determine the human champion… it was a guy named red white, who had been just a schmuck before the aliens came… the elevator reached the ground floor and blue jones stepped out of it… across the street, green smith woke up. he remembered right away who he was. he was the chosen one, born to save the misbegotten human race from itself. and after he had his cup of coffee, he would get back to work on his book. the book was called seven steps from hate, eight steps to love. the seven steps from hate would show how the wrong ones - the racists, the sexists, the homophobes, etc - would be defeated and overcome. the eight steps to love still needed a little thinking out, but he was working on it. the book was going to transform the consciousness of the human race, and point the way to a new future. it would make him, green smith, the most famous person on earth, and he would be besieged by admirers, and never know a moment’s peace again. he thought he could handle it. but first, the cup of coffee. he got dressed and went out and got on the elevator and went down to the street. when he got out on the street he bumped into blue jones. oh excuse me, sir! no, excuse me! it was my fault entirely. a thousand apologies… no, sir, i insist. it was all my fault… will you two old fools get out of the way? some of us have the world’s business to attend to.

the ends of the earth

by genghis gilgamesh

the cold white stars looked down from the cold black sky. you’ll get them for this, won’t you, johnny? you’ll get the rats who did this? i will, pete. count on it. i will get them if i have to hunt them to the ends of the earth. pete was gone. there was nothing left for johnny to do. johnny started walking. he walked and walked. he came to the edge of the city there was a bench for a bus stop for a bus that did not run any more and johnny sat down on it. he thought about pete and laughed. hunt them to the ends of the earth. yeah, right. sorry, old buddy, i got priorities of my own. johnny got up and walked a little further and came to joe’s diner. he ordered a cup of coffee - all he could afford. joe looked like his usual mean self so johnny did not ask him for a free piece of pie. hank came in. he nodded to johnny. how’s it going? hank asked johhny. could be better, could be worse. i might have a job for you. oh? you interested? yeah, i’m interested. i can’t pay you much, but it might lead to other opportunites, you follow me? i follow you. johnny did the job for hank. hank gave him another job, and another one after that. johnny moved along, and moved up. boy makes good, the old army game. time went by. civilization collapsed, and the gangs took over. and fought. when the smoke cleared, johnny’s gang was on top, and johnny was boss of the gang. some of the guys thought the pope should declare johnny the leader of the free world. johnny thought that might be pushing it, but he invited the pope to a party and the pope came. that was not nothing. at the party for the pope, a young woman came up to johnny. she was not bad looking, or real good looking. you probably do not recognize me, the young woman said. johnny smiled. i am getting old, he said, my memory is not what it was. you remember a guy named pete wilson? i might have known a guy named pete wilson. i might have known more than one guy named pete wilson. pete wilson was my dad. you told pete you would hunt his killers to the ends of the earth. and you never did it. you did not see me but i was there, hiding in the bushes. i was three years old, but i remember it like it was yesterday. well, miss, what did you say your name was? maybe i can make it up to you. make it up to me? how about if i make it up to you, you dirty lying scumrat! and with that , the young woman suddenly produced a pistol that was not very big, but was big enough to fill johnny’s guts with hot lead! johnny looked up. bobo, his long time bodyguard, was standing over him. we.. we had some good times together, didn’t we, bobo? johnny managed to gasp. if you say so, bobo answered. i always treated you right, didn’t i? actually, you were always kind of a jerk. ordering me around like a monkey. how do they say? abusing your privileges… yeah, that’s it… abusing your privileges…

the oldest story

by horace p sternwall

after the hero saved the world, he came home and found his girl in bed with his best friend. * the welcome home ceremony had been cut short by a violent thunderstorm, and the parade rescheduled for another day. lieutenant bob clark drove up to the modest little bungalow on the outskirts of town, where sherry davis, his high school sweetheart, had been staying with her aunt emma. sherry had begged off of the welcome home ceremony, because she did not want to deal with the paparazzi from all over the world. bob had understood. a red sports car was parked outside the bungalow. could it belong to aunt emma? when bob got out of his car and approached the house he noticed that the red sports car had a rental plate. bob knocked on the door of the bungalow. there was no answer. that was strange. was something wrong? had the forces of the empire of x somehow learned of sherry’s whereabouts, to take a cowardly revenge on bob for defeating them? bob tried the door. it opened, and he stepped into the bungalow. the unmistakable sounds coming from the rear of the bungalow were more terrible by far than any bob had heard in the final climactic battle with the empire of x. should he retreat, pretend he had not heard anything? retreat was not in bob’s genes. in any case, the culprits must have heard him, or sensed him, because they fell silent. the door of the back bedroom opened, and sherri stood there. i wasn’t expecting you so soon, bobby. the ceremony was cut short. i guess you weren’t paying attention, even though it was on tv. a voice behind sherry said, no, we had more important things to attend to. it was tom lewis, bob’s best friend since their academy days! tom had finished first in the class, and bob two hundred and seventeenth, but bob had later shown his stuff when it counted. tom! i thought you were back acting as an adviser to the reconstruction corp. i got a few days leave, and thought i would come home and take care of business. you don’t have to look so nasty, bobby, sherry said. just because you saved the world doesn’t mean you own me. she’s right, old buddy, tom added. remember, you are the hero now, the public face of the new age of peace and reconciliation. president a and general b might not like it if you mixed up in any ugly scenes. i might have my own notions of reconciliation, tom. maybe. you might be wondering just where i came in. i will leave you to wonder what i am wondering about, bob said. he turned and left. outside, the sun had come out and was shining on the saved world.