package

by nick nelson

can i see you for a minute, harold? of course, sir - i mean steve. harold had never gotten used to calling the supervisors by their first names. steve closed the door behind harold and took a seat at his desk. have a seat, harold, this won’t take long. harold sat down in the one seat. you probably know why i called you in here. um - no. harold thought he did know but did not want to say it out loud. we are letting you go, harold. we are afraid you just do not fit in. um - could you give me some examples of why i don’t fit in? i thought i was doing all right. i processed three billion units just last week. yes, but there is more to the job, and the workplace, than just the numbers you put up. we only want people who are the totally integrated ambient package. but - for example, you only scored 5.3 on the positive d-3 frequency scale. that is not very good. but what is even more telling is this - steve turned the screen on his desk around so that harold could read it. steve tapped the screen. according to this, you have been here seven months, harold , and not had sex with a single other employee. but - but - in my old job any sexual contact employees was strictly forbidden. we could not even comment on each others’ looks! that was then, harold, i see you have not kept up with changing times. like the majority of accredited employers, we now strongly encourage sex between employees, provided, of course, that basic standards of decency and ambience, as set forth in circular 78-r-g6, are observed. i didn’t know. but that is the problem. we expect our employees to keep up with the times. steve tapped the screen again. look here, i see you got off to a bad start. oh. you must mean the incident with the sandwich. yes, ordering an asparagus burger from an outside vendor. on your first day on the job! but i honestly didn’t know that asparagus was an endangered species. steve laughed. i think we are seeing a pattern here, aren’t we? goodbye, harold. don’t forget to stop at the wellness office on your way out, to have your brain cleaned. yes, harold agreed sorrowfully as he rose from the chair, i could use a good brain cleaning.