pterodactyl

by bofa xesjum

roy ransom was a cowboy . he lived in a bunkhouse on the range. winter was coming. roy decided to hitchhike to hollywood to get in the movies, he went to sleep and dreamed of a pterodactyl. roy and the pterodactyl had exciting adventures together in the dream. you probably think the ptetodactyl’s name was pete but it was it was sad sam. roy and sad sam had exciting adventures in the dream like you would not believe. roy thought if he could remember the dreams and write them down they would be a bestseller and he would make a billion dollars like shakespeare or stephen king and he would not have to bother hitchhiking to hollywood to be in the movies. but he could not remember the dreams to save his life. snow was falling outside the bunkhouse. roy had to get up and poke some cows. big mike fink, the trail boss, came through the bunkhouse banging on the lid of a can to wake the cowpokes up. but roy was already up and getting ready to saddle and ride. mike fink scowled at roy in that way that he had, but did not compliment him on being up so promptly and getting ready to saddle and ride. little did mike suspect that very evening, after the sun went down, roy was planning to hit the road to hollywood.by hook or by crook to become the greatest movie star that ever lived. outside the bunkhouse the snow was starting to build up on the ground. cookie, the cook, and little joe, the clubhouse boy and class clown, decided to build a snowman after chow was over. when chow was over and the cowpokes had had their fill of steaks ad grits and coffee, cookie and little went out in the swirling winter wonderland and began building a snowman. the snowman’s name was not pete or sad sam but wait for it. but by this time roy had slunk off down the road and was on his way to hollywood california to become a movie star. so roy never got to meet wait for it which was a shame because they might have been best buddies. mike fink stood in the door of the cookhouse and watched cookie and little joe put the finishing touches on wait for it in the falling snow. sad sam the pterodactyl flew overhead but mike and cookie and little joe and the cowpokes on their way to the main range could not see him because of the snow which was now falling fast. but sad sam was up there all right. he would catch up to roy later after he got to hollywood and settled down.

long time

by horace p sternwall

george was a gorilla harry was a horse ivan had an inclination that threw him off course jesse had a jellybean kenneth was a klown lulu had a lollipop that moses melted down noah built an ark omar wrote a poem paul bunyan cut down trees as fast as mother earth could grow’em robin hood lived in the forest salome danced in the breeze when friar tuck saw her he fell down on his knees when king richard heard the news he came back from the crusades but he was swallowed by a whale that is how the game is played p t barnum bought the whale and put it up for show and only charged a lousy dime a long time ago a long time ago, my friend a long time ago let us sti by the fire and watch the river flow

mel

by genghis gilgamesh

a guy named mel wished everybody well and was ready to answer the bell when civilization fell he had a friend named ray who always looked the other way and had nothing to say when mel wanted to play the super’s name was joe there was nothing he did not know and he would tell you so a long time ago a girl named betty ball lived across the hall she was always on call brother, that’s all the moon comes out at night sometimes very bright so stay out of sight and paint your dreams white

elephant

by nick nelson

billy woke up. his elephant was gone. they took my elephant, he thought sadly. he put his shoes on and went downstairs. outside the dust was settling in the street. mrs frietchie, the landlady, was sitting on the front steps of the boarding house. they took my elephant, billy told her. did they? good for them. it was all i had. and it meant no one no harm. it made people nervous. it never bothered nobody. it was an elephant. it made people nervous. did you take it? hell no. i’m an old woman, i don’t have the strength to take nothing from nobody. did you see who did? not me. i never see nothing, that’s my policy. that’s the trouble with the world today. the world is nothing but trouble, you ought to know that by now. i would tell the sheriff, billy asserted sadly, but he might have been the one who took it. why don’t you ask him? i think i just might. billy squeezed past mrs frietchie and put his shoes in the dusty street. i suppose you got your rent? not right now. i might after i see the sheriff. why? you think he is going to pay you for that elephant that he probably didn’t even take? you never know. i know it ain’t going to rain today. look at that sky. i got better things to look at. and to look for. if you say so. what’s for dinner tonight? the usual.

firecracker

by bofa xesjum

anodyne hippos from louisville kentucky sequestered on the banks of indianapolis or islamabad cheeseburgers at sunset don’t tell me i already know breathtaking iguanas nod knowingly and joe’s grandmother on his mother’s side i already explained that

walford

by bofa xesjum

walford - what are you doing here? i thought you were working on a multinomial project in idaho. no, that was hargrove. you must have mixed him up with me. oh. so, what have you been up to? i was doing a little consulting work in angola, that must have been exciting. no, it was actually pretty boring, and it was hot as hell. and was it humid as well? i’ll say! it was just before the monsoon season. i did not know there was a monsoon season in angola. well, now you know. so have you heard from hargrove? how does he like it in idaho? he is doing all right. i sent him some comic books. he likes comic books. yes, i recall that he did. he was a big batman fan, right? no no, he is not even a dc guy, he is strictly marvel. hulk and thor are his main men. of course, what was i thinking? do you ever hear from lucy smith? once in a while. did she ever marry that billionaire? she is still working on it. good for her. life is a work in progress, that is my motto. well, it has been great talking to you. you, too. it looks like it might rain. i hope so. i am sick of all this sunshine.

a & b

by anonymous

humans walk through rain and snow knowing that wishing will make it so they feel the ice beneath their feet and know good fortune they will meet the burden of this song is that sometimes things go wrong so put one foot in front of another and save yourself a lot of bother * that is easy for you to say my rent do you wish to pay? my landlord wants his cash or i will be out in a flash i do not agree with your analysis your brain has paralysis don’t scream, don’t holler just give me a dollar

annabel abercrombie

by bofa xesjum

a young man named sidney sat on a rusty fire escape watching the world go by. it went by slowly because it was three o’clock in the morning. the city was quiet. but it was not always so. in the morning it would come roaring to life and sidney would be overwhelmed. in a previous life sidney had been an orangutan. in that life he had been waylaid and overcome by the jungle before punching his ticket.. one thing was different in this life in the city from his life in the jungle as an orangutan, annabel abercrombie. annabel abercrombie was gossamer and moonlight and the stars in the midnight sky before pollution. she was a savage and pitiless butterfly who devoured the souls of men like cornflakes. especially sidney, who was helpless in her green eyed grasp. annabel did not acknowledge sidney’s existence, despite his insane devotion to her. her heart was cold. like the night. the silence of the night was broken by a garbage truck coming up the street. his reverie broken, sidney got up from his seat on the fire escape. he climbed back through the window and into his room. his lonely room. he tripped as he put his second foot on the floor as he got through the window but managed not to fall down. sidney fell down 36,8 percent of the time he went back through the window in this manner. if he had improved this percentage, annabel abercrombie would not have cared. because was just the way she was. the way she would aways be, throughout eternity. sidney fell asleep, and had a dream. but not about annabel abercrombie. whose cruel reach did not extend quite so far as that. outside, the city slept, and the invisible stars looked down through billions of light and dark years.

albuquerque

by horace p sternwall

i went down to kansas city with new orleans in my shoes but they stopped me at the border because i had not paid my dues they gathered at the river with a hellhound on their trail they laughed at jesse james but he delivered the mail blackbeard lived in the forest with a dog who was just a hound the dog buried his treasure but it has never been found robin hood wore a medal when he came home from the war he brought back a strange contraption but we do not know what it’s for maid marian lived in a castle and only came out at night she wore an old straw hat and her teeth were pearly white bigfoot lives behind the mill with patches on his knees his mama taught him manners to say thank you and please the sun went down at midnight and the moon left town i am leaving for albuquerque with a worried frown

zero and his friends

by horace p sternwall

zero had an apple banana had a dog they flew to paris but got lost in the fog cherry had a jubilee daniel had a boone they sang in the choir and slept until noon elephant ran the general store fox pumped the gas the world went by but they let it pass george was a gorilla henry was a horse the earth began to shake they stayed the course i have been here forever and have no more to say may heaven bless you all and i will be on my way

what i believe

by anonymous

money is a magic substance that creates the things that it buys. there are only 200 people in the world and most of them are famous. mr big lives in a castle in the bermuda triangle and rules the world. nothing is real unless you believe it is real. in any conflict between a man and a woman, the woman is always right. in any conflict between a cat and a dog, the cat is always right. in any conflict between a spider and a mosquito, the mosquito is always right. in any conflict between a train and a track, the track is always right. in any conflict between a sad person and a happy person, the sad person is always right. in any conflict between a street preacher and a hedge fund manager, the street preacher is always right. in any conflict between a serial killer and an innocent bystander, the bystander is always right. in any conflict between a neanderthal and a human, the neanderthal is always right. a person is whatever they say they are. every person has a right to be anything they want to be. society needs to be totally torn down and completely restructured. every human being should have as much money as the richest human being. a statue a million miles high should be erected in death valley - a statue of the unknown human. hatred should be abolished all over the world.

the three strangers

by nick nelson

a bum named bum jones accosted a respectable looking gentleman named henry worthy at noon in central square. hey mister, can i ask you something? you can ask. are you doing any hiring? hiring? for what? do i look like a store? you look like you might be a businessman. i might be a lot of things. or, you could just want something done. such as? anything. anything. you will do anything. yes. you will do anything for money. that is what i said. you know, if i was the paranoid type, i might think you were a law enforcement person, working some ridiculous sting operation, because you can’t catch real bad guys. no, i am just desperate. times are tough, maybe not for you, but they are. all right, my friend, i have something for you. great, let’s hear it. i lost a piece of paper that had a phone number on it - just a phone number, the area code was 862 but i forget tthe rest of it. i think i lost it at 45th and main around noon yesterday. if you can find that piece of paper i will give you $50, how does that sound? great, how do i collect? if you find it, meet me right here tomorrow, at one o’clock. * the next day at the appointed time bum jones returned to central square, but there was no sign of henry worthy. bum waited for henry for an hour. there was no sign of him and it looked like it might start to rain. bum stepped up and addressed an ordinary looking individual who was passing by. have you seen this guy, bud asked the individual. what guy? what did he look like? he was respectable looking. i am sorry, you will have to give me a better description than that. he was really respectabe looking. i still can’t help you. what did you want with him? bud proceeded to relate the details of his interaction with henry worthy. but that is terrible! that is just awful! nobody should treat another living creature that way. but he did. i tell you what, i will give you a chance to earn, not $50, but $1000. let me hear it. do you have a phone? of course i have a phone. here is what i want you to do. tomorrow, at 11 o’clock in the morning, in front of the jackson building, a woman wearing a green hat, waking a little orange dog, will meet a man in a brown suit, wearing a mets cap. i want you to take a picture of them. i will give you a number you can forward the picture to. meet me here tomorrow at 3 o ‘clock in the afternoon, , and i will give you $1000. wow! bud exclaimed i will do it. thank you very much. * the next day bum showed up in front of the jackson building. it was a bright cold day with a wind blowing off the river, but there was no sign of the individual who had wanted the picture of the woman in the green hat and her little orange dog. people have been known to be late, bum mused hopefully. but fifteen minutes passed. suddenly a portly gentleman sporting a red and green checked vest and a black straw hat appeared at bum’s side. can i help you, my friend, the gentleman addressed bum, you give the distinct impression of being a bit distraught. briefly stimulated by the apparent sincerity of his interlocutor’s tone, bum poured forth his sad story. that is a shame, sir. that is the problem, or one of the problems, with the world today - no trust, nobody’s word is worth the air it is poured into. but fear not, i will give you a chance to retrieve your faith in human nature. oh? there is a starbucks on the next block, at the corner of jackson and twelfth streets. i want you to wait there, and see if a person carrying a copy of the international edition of the times appears, and orders a pumpkin spice latte and an orange croissant. if you see such a person call this number immediately, and i will reimburse you with one billion dollars. here is the number - oh no, mister, that won’t do. bum jones can be fooled once because he is a nice guy. he can be fooled twice beause he is an idiot. but he is not going to be fooled a third time, not bum jones, and not in this lifetime. and with that, bum turned and marched away into the wind. the man in the red and green checked vest, whose name was alexander the great robin hood christopher columbus william shakespeare jesse james albert einstein smith, watched him go with a sad smile. he reached into his vest pocket and extracted a one billion dollar bill, which he then tore into a hundred small pieces and tossed into the increasingly stiff wind.