what i believe

by anonymous

money is a magic substance that creates the things that it buys. there are only 200 people in the world and most of them are famous. mr big lives in a castle in the bermuda triangle and rules the world. nothing is real unless you believe it is real. in any conflict between a man and a woman, the woman is always right. in any conflict between a cat and a dog, the cat is always right. in any conflict between a spider and a mosquito, the mosquito is always right. in any conflict between a train and a track, the track is always right. in any conflict between a sad person and a happy person, the sad person is always right. in any conflict between a street preacher and a hedge fund manager, the street preacher is always right. in any conflict between a serial killer and an innocent bystander, the bystander is always right. in any conflict between a neanderthal and a human, the neanderthal is always right. a person is whatever they say they are. every person has a right to be anything they want to be. society needs to be totally torn down and completely restructured. every human being should have as much money as the richest human being. a statue a million miles high should be erected in death valley - a statue of the unknown human. hatred should be abolished all over the world.

the three strangers

by nick nelson

a bum named bum jones accosted a respectable looking gentleman named henry worthy at noon in central square. hey mister, can i ask you something? you can ask. are you doing any hiring? hiring? for what? do i look like a store? you look like you might be a businessman. i might be a lot of things. or, you could just want something done. such as? anything. anything. you will do anything. yes. you will do anything for money. that is what i said. you know, if i was the paranoid type, i might think you were a law enforcement person, working some ridiculous sting operation, because you can’t catch real bad guys. no, i am just desperate. times are tough, maybe not for you, but they are. all right, my friend, i have something for you. great, let’s hear it. i lost a piece of paper that had a phone number on it - just a phone number, the area code was 862 but i forget tthe rest of it. i think i lost it at 45th and main around noon yesterday. if you can find that piece of paper i will give you $50, how does that sound? great, how do i collect? if you find it, meet me right here tomorrow, at one o’clock. * the next day at the appointed time bum jones returned to central square, but there was no sign of henry worthy. bum waited for henry for an hour. there was no sign of him and it looked like it might start to rain. bum stepped up and addressed an ordinary looking individual who was passing by. have you seen this guy, bud asked the individual. what guy? what did he look like? he was respectable looking. i am sorry, you will have to give me a better description than that. he was really respectabe looking. i still can’t help you. what did you want with him? bud proceeded to relate the details of his interaction with henry worthy. but that is terrible! that is just awful! nobody should treat another living creature that way. but he did. i tell you what, i will give you a chance to earn, not $50, but $1000. let me hear it. do you have a phone? of course i have a phone. here is what i want you to do. tomorrow, at 11 o’clock in the morning, in front of the jackson building, a woman wearing a green hat, waking a little orange dog, will meet a man in a brown suit, wearing a mets cap. i want you to take a picture of them. i will give you a number you can forward the picture to. meet me here tomorrow at 3 o ‘clock in the afternoon, , and i will give you $1000. wow! bud exclaimed i will do it. thank you very much. * the next day bum showed up in front of the jackson building. it was a bright cold day with a wind blowing off the river, but there was no sign of the individual who had wanted the picture of the woman in the green hat and her little orange dog. people have been known to be late, bum mused hopefully. but fifteen minutes passed. suddenly a portly gentleman sporting a red and green checked vest and a black straw hat appeared at bum’s side. can i help you, my friend, the gentleman addressed bum, you give the distinct impression of being a bit distraught. briefly stimulated by the apparent sincerity of his interlocutor’s tone, bum poured forth his sad story. that is a shame, sir. that is the problem, or one of the problems, with the world today - no trust, nobody’s word is worth the air it is poured into. but fear not, i will give you a chance to retrieve your faith in human nature. oh? there is a starbucks on the next block, at the corner of jackson and twelfth streets. i want you to wait there, and see if a person carrying a copy of the international edition of the times appears, and orders a pumpkin spice latte and an orange croissant. if you see such a person call this number immediately, and i will reimburse you with one billion dollars. here is the number - oh no, mister, that won’t do. bum jones can be fooled once because he is a nice guy. he can be fooled twice beause he is an idiot. but he is not going to be fooled a third time, not bum jones, and not in this lifetime. and with that, bum turned and marched away into the wind. the man in the red and green checked vest, whose name was alexander the great robin hood christopher columbus william shakespeare jesse james albert einstein smith, watched him go with a sad smile. he reached into his vest pocket and extracted a one billion dollar bill, which he then tore into a hundred small pieces and tossed into the increasingly stiff wind.

pete jones

by genghis gilgamesh

pete jones was walking down the street his feet were sore because his shoes were cheap he remembered the days when things were better and he had been a real go getter he felt a bit distressed because the world was a mess it was hard to detect the old habits of respect he thought, it is not all my fault but what else can i call it the human race would be proud of me if i contributed to its victory but victory over what? what exactly has anybody got? pete’s thoughts were confused at the station his brain was overdue what horrors does the cosmos hide? just being along for the ride might be the best we can do do you think that is sad but true?

hard times

by horace p sternwall

i had hard times in the city because nobody knew my name i got no invitations i was playing a losing game i would tell a joke for a nickel i would sing a song for a dime i got a million more just like that but no one will give me the time i am a stranger here myself i suspect you are one too it does not really matter as long as our hearts are true i was born in the country and hitched a ride to town michael held a flaming sword gabriel wore a frown

one thing

by horace p sternwall

adam just wanted to live his life eve wanted what was rightfully hers cain was an angry man abel wanted to be free pharoah’s daughter sat beside the river moses was a beautiful child joshua fought the battle of jericho mathusaleh had a long white beard gilgamesh went for a walk enkidu lived in the forest jonah met a whale noah built an ark goliath was big david was small samson was strong delilah was a spy buddha sat under a tree confucius talked a lot plato had an ugly mug alexander conquered the world cleopatra had a big nose caesar didn’t have any friends john the baptist lived in a cave salome danced the night away hannibal crossed the alps spartacus freed the slaves nero fed christians to the lions john the revelator wrote it all down charlemagne baptized the pagans joan of arc was burned at the stake good king richard went on crusade bad king john stayed behind leif erikson discovered america but nobody even cared later columbus discovered it again and got all the credit henry viii had a lot of wives shakespeare wrote a lot of plays isaac newton invented gravity galileo made the earth go around everybody does one thing and they are that one thing and that is all they wrote what have you done lately?

hesitation

by timothy t jones

thanks to nooshin azadi, for the idea for this poem

i dreamed in another life i was a monkey sitting on the shore of a desert island trying to catch a fish and behind me in the jungle a terrible beast roared i was all these things i was the monkey that sat and the fish that swam and the beast that roared and i was a grain of sand on the beach and a wave in the ocean and a beam from the sun i was all these things and more because life is a dream yes, life is a dream i know this and yet i hesitate to jump off tall buildings walk in the traffic or sleep in the river

a sad story

by nick nelson

do you want to hear a story? what kind of story? a sad one. no, i don’’t want to hear it. it’s a real sad one. hearing it might melt your heart and make you a better person. i don’t think so. are you sure? positive. here is omar, maybe he wants to hear it. hi guys. hear what? al has a sad story. he is very eager to get it off his chest. i have my own sad stories. i don’t need anybody else’s. you guys - you represent everything that’s wrong with the world today. whoa! that is pretty tough talk, al. we thought you were our friend. aw, i didn’t mean it that way. it’s just that - that what? nobody wants to hear the truth. or a sad story. chuck is right, you should tell your sad story to joe biden or donald trump, not to ignorant slobs like us. but my story is about donald trump and joe biden! really? you are hanging with joe biden and donald trump these days? no wonder we haven’t seen you around much lately. i saw them in a dream. so your sad story is about a dream you had. don’t laugh. my dream encapsulates everything wrong with the world today. espapulate. there you go with the big words again. so tell us about this dream with trump and biden. was there anybody else in the dream besides you and them? there was a little girl. let me guess - she lost her puppy. that’s close - but it was a kitten, not a puppy. that ’s a good guess, omar. how did you do that? i am really a martian, and i can read al’s mind. can you read my mind? no, just al’s. that is a real relief to me. hey, here’s frankie. what’s up, frankie? not much. you guys all look so sad. there is a reason for that, al has been telling us a sad story. actually, i have been trying to tell a sad story, but keep getting rudely interrupted. so the moment, at least for now, has been dissipated. dissipated! does that mean you are not sad any more. not exactly. buy me lunch, al. that will be your good deed for the day, and you won’t be dissipated or sad any more. all right, i will. see, frankie, you solved everything. it is what i am here for.

henry

by dog e relaford

henry had a pumpkin he grew it in the yard his grandma baked it in a pie and henry took it hard sometimes he thought the pumpkin had escaped to santa fe and he would hitchhike to new orleans and meet up with it someday grandma was a moonbeam and grandpa was a snail and they got along together like jonah and the whale elvis escaped to vegas with davy crockett on his trail the postman came at midnight but did not leave any mail you can hear a lonesome whistle sometimes late at night it’s an elephant and a grasshoper staying out of sight henry met the roman empire behind the garden wall they had a long conversation about the meaning of it all

uncompromising laura lee

by anonymous

oh laura, laura lee how can you treat me so uncompromisingly can you not see that my love for you is the essence of all that is beautiful and true? there is a symphony in the breeze that brings the world to its collective knees there is a shout from a distant hill that makes the universe stand still i am not to blame if the shout and the symphony are the same the greatest love in the history of time that i hope excuses this pathetic rhyme that is all i have for now it will all be the same anyway anyhow oh laura, laura lee how can you treat me so uncompromisingly

brain blues

by dog e relaford

my brain has gone out with the tide it was always used at my side before it always worked so well a tale on which i shall not dwell i had a cat her name was fluff she never knew when she had enough i had a turkey his name was tom he took my girl to the senior prom i had a monkey his name was mac he went away and never came back i had a friend his name was fred when the rent was due he hid under the bed i had a dog his name was buzz he was the best who ever was they all had stories i couldn’t explain and that is what happened to my brain

the cowboy

by bofa xesjum

what am i doing here, the cowboy asked himself mournfully. all i wanted was what is rightfully mine. it started to rain. the night was dark and the highway was darker. headlights appeared up ahead. they speeded up as they approached the cowboy. the story of my life, he thought. it had all begun when he was born. he turned and watched the car’s tail lights recede and vanish. another car’s headlights came up behind him, going in the direction he was waking. not that he was really “going” anywhere. this one slowed down as it approached him. would it actually stop? who or what would be in it? would it be a beautiful young woman on the prowl for true love? if it was, he hoped she would not look like jocasta, who had ruined his life. would it be a rich man looking to hire a private secretary, who would be well paid and have all the time in the world to write his book explaining, once and for all, the problems of the human race and what to do about them? would it be a fire breathing young rebel, looking to recruit converts to some glorious cause or other? would it be an old person, desperately wanting a sympathetic soul to listen to the sad story of their wasted life? would it be a serial killer? would it be a law enforcement officer, finding the cowboy at last? the cowboy’s mind drifted back in a flash to all the terrible things he had done in his too short lifetime… the car came to a stop. he was tempted to turn and run back into the shadows from which he had emerged.