the last item

by fred flynn

the alien ambassador made his demands politely but unequivocally, and mr fred smith, who in his capacity as the recognized “richest man on earth” was representing the human race , had no choice but to agree to them with a smile. the list of demands was almost complete. the humans were to surrender to the aliens the following quantities of the following items: 200 billion tons of sand 200 billion tons of mud 400 billion tons of soybeans 100 million cubic miles of salt water 1 million cubic miles of fresh water 5 billion cows 20 billion chickens 40,000 tons of gold 2 billion kg of silver 1 billion oranges 1 billion lemons 20 tons each of broccoli, lima beans, and brussel sprouts i think we can manage all that, mr smith informed the ambassador. is there anything else we can help you with? as a matter of fact there is. and what might that be? a substance we are not familiar with, but which you earthlings seem to set great store by, so we assume it must be very useful. you yourself are considered to have the largest amount of any one earthling, and we believe that is why you have been chosen to negotiate with us. oh, you must be talking about money. quite so. so you want some money? how much? we have to determine what it is. then, we can decide if we want any and how much.. oh. so, what is it? that is hard to say. try. you ought to know, you supposedly have plenty of it. according to my notes, you have 400 billion units of it. give us half, and we can decide if we like it or want it and we can go from there. i could give you some of the things i can get with 200 billion - gold, silver, beads, pork bellies. money used to be those things. we have already told you what we want of those things. come, sir, you are beginning to try our patience. i could give you some art works. the mona lisa? something by picasso or andy warhol? how about the sistine chapel? i bet the sistine chapel would like nice on your planet. we have no use for such rubbish. and we do not have “a planet”. and we do not have all time to discuss this. deliver some of this money, now, so that we can load it on board if we want it. i could give you a note for it. a note? you mean put a number on a piece of paper? yes, i suppose you could put it that way. and that is your final answer. i suppose that it is. so you will not give us any money. i ask you one last time - why not? well, because there is really no such thing. you are trifling with us, sir. the galactic federation does not care to be trifled with. we leave you for now, but you will hear from us. and with that, the ambassador departed, leaving mr smith, and his fellow earthlings, alone with their thoughts.