still life

by horace p sternwall

a man walked down the street in the blue rain a dog watched from a window high above a woman told the dog his meal was served the cat continued to peacefully dream the picture on the wall was nothing much but the woman and the dog both liked it the cat thought it lacked taste or perspective the cook was busy chopping the parsley the man walking down the street in the rain had no thought on the matter either way he had never seen the picture himself and knew not the woman, dog, cat, or cook his name might have been bill smith or al jones but in fact it was not either of these he was a registered as a republican but had no interest in politics the man had the most intense fantasies of playing quarterback for the raiders even after they moved to las vegas but had little interest in women the rain continued to fall in the street long after the cat climbed down from the couch and sat looking out the darkened window ignoring the picture that it so disdained

lullaby

by horace p sternwall

albert einstein was number one billy the kid wore his hair in a bun christopher columbus took a fork in the road daniel boone carried a heavy load erasmus had an orange cat flaubertt was not impressed by that george washington cut down the cherry tree homer was a guy like you and me isaac newton looked up at the sky jesse james robbed the mail in the sweet bye and bye king richard freed the holy land little david took a powerful stand machiavelli had a pet white mouse nostradamus lived in a little house omar khayyam was a merry old soul peter the great made you pay a toll the queen of sheba lay in bed all day robin hood did things his own way sherman marched through georgia in a flash tom edison always paid in cash ulysses s grant was partial to drink queen victoria never wore pink woodrow wilson was a careful man except when he had a master plan you may think that all these heroes add up to mot much more than zero all their deeds are written in the sand on the road that leads to the promised land

conrad and walter

by nick nelson

conrad castleberry iv was a born and bred natural hero worshiper. his great grandfather taught him to admire jesse james and john dillinger and jack london his grandfather taught him to revere general douglas macarthur and john wayne and ernest hemingway. and his dad taught him to think highly of tom brady and john lennon and charles bukowski. conrad admired all these heroes and many more, both “real life”, and fictional. a child of his time, conrad also came to admire the popular podcaster walter whistleberry, and considered him the greatest and wisest hero and champion of all time, sent by fate to illuminate and rescue the human race, and save it from the forces attempting to destroy it. conrad noticed an announcement online that a debate was to be held at his local library, where two persons he had never heard of would face off on the topic - walter whistleberry, savior of the nation? of course, conrad thought, walter whistleberry is the savior of the nation and of the world. what could be more obvious? but he eas curious as to what the two people would have to say about his hero, so he showed up at the library at the appointed time. an audience of about forty people was waiting in folding chairs that almost filled the small room in the back of the library.. there was no podium or stage. the two speakers would take turns standing and addressing the audience from behind a table in the front of the room. many of the people in attendance were chatting animatedly in small groups. conrad did not know anybody there and seated himself in the back of the room, at one end of a row of the folding chairs. a librarian whom conrad recognized.although he did not know her name, announced that the proceedings were about to begin. the two speakers were a mr norbert natchez, a rather portly individual wearing a rainbow colored tank top that did not improve his appearance and a ms claudine carter, a well groomed young woman whom conrad thought rather attractive in a severe way. ms carter spoke first - the first thing we have to understand, she announced, is that walter whistleberry is a clown, and even more of a fraud than a clown. conrad was stunned. he felt as if he had been struck on the top of his head by a ten pound hammer. walter whistleberry a clown and a fraud! and he, conrad, had never suspected for a minute. he could hardly hear ms carter’s following words through the fog that enveloped his shattered brain. conrad managed to get to his feet and to stumble down the side of the room and out into the library proper. he thought somebody might ask him if he felt all right but nobody did and he made his way out of the library and down its wide steps and into the dark street. the universe spread out before him like a black piece of paper with nothing written on it, crumpled up and tumbling in the wind.

possession

by dog e relaford

a boy has a dog a lion has a tamer the moon has a fog a picture has a framer a duck has a pond a hen has rooster i don’t have a purpose in life but i use ter a clown has a nose usually red i started a book on the bus and finished it in bed the book was a thriller and i did not guess the end now casey jones is coming around the bend a million ballerinas dance on little feet bigfoot stands alone outside in the windswept street i dreamed i went to the beach with warren g harding and babe ruth i wanted to mix a martini but waren g harding drank the vermouth

gray, part 3

by dog e relaford

part 3 of 3

to read part 1, click here

to read part 2, click here

mister brown needed someone someone to cover his back someone the whites would never suspect to slip through the cracks this kid who worked outside in the store that did what it did did he have what it took? if he did, it was well hid but at least he was someone the whites would never suspect and time was running out if mister brown’s calculations were correct he called johnny into his office and looked him in the eye and said can i ask you a question are you afraid to die? that is a curious question to ask anyone, johnny replied some people have one answer and others take the other side some people choose to run and others choose to hide toss a coin into the air and let fate be your guide that is not very helpful mr brown replied dejectedly i will go down to the greyhound station and buy a ticket to schenectady schenectady is a nice town where people run wild and free but for a good lace to raise kids you must go to albany the end

gray, part 2

by dog e relaford

part 2 of 3

to read part 1, click here

the world might come completely apart before his life would end and he would meet his end alone betrayed by family and friends the money was not coming in not like the old days what did people want? it was hard to say the trouble was ralph white that traitorous skunk and his son ricky that miserable punk the whites owed all to mister brown but had no gratitude and only gave him what was due when he was in the mood they knew the rules but did not play fair they aimed for mister brown’s destruction their agents were everywhere mister brown needed someone someone he could trust someone to take a chance on before the whole world went bust someone to do what he was told and not get cold feet to be loyal and true through thick and thin and take the heat part 3

gray, part 1

by dog e relaford

part 1 of 3

johnny smith was a regular guy a guy just like you or me he wanted a little girl to call his own all he wanted was to be free johnny’s mother had a parrot his sister had an old yellow dog when the dog was barking and the parrot squawking johnny went for walks in the fog life stretched out before him like a highway crowded with wrecks and people stared at him from windows scratching their heads and necks somehow johnny got through school his brain was drowned in sludge some say society destroyed him but johnny held no grudge finally he was on his own and needed to find a job he was employed by mister brown who was connected to the mob every day at one o’clock after johnny came back from lunch mister brown would come into the office with his face in a crunch mister brown would stare at johnny like he had never seen him before and shake his head and go into his office and close the door mister brown had a problem a problem he could not solve a problem that perplexed him and tested his inner resolve things were not what they used to be mister brown knew the world was changing every day when he walked the streets he noticed its rearranging part 2

roger and destiny

by bofa xesjum

roger parker was born. in his early years he lived in connecticut. he was not a very noticeable child. he decided to become a yahoo. it was many years before his destiny was revealed. roger saw a wahoo in the street one day. as the wahoo approached, roger summoned up all his courage. what time is it? roger asked the wahoo. time to get out the best silverware, the wahoo replied enigmatically. suddenly a yeti appeared behind the wahoo. roger and the wahoo heard a jarring crash in the street as a strange flying object landed in it. a terrible sight was beheld in the sky. roger had had enough. he turned and ran and did not stop until he was came to a ferris wheel in the middle of a desert. he bought a ticket and got on it. as soon as the wheel began to turn, roger fell asleep. he had a dream in which his destiny was revealed. what do you think roger’s destiny was? a) he became a world famous pop star b) he became a successful influencer c) he was kidnapped by ___________ 1) aliens 2) bigfoot 3) clowns 4) drug lords 5) enemies of the people 6) enemies of the state 7) the government 8) happy hooligans 9) juvenile delinquents 10) the mob 11) the klan 12) the people’s liberation army 13) other (specify_________________) d) he started a new religion which gained billions of followers e) he started a new religion that gained thirteen followers f) he started a new religion that gained no followers g) he was elected president of the united states h) he was elected secretary general of the united nations i) he was was elected president of the world bank j) he got a job delivering domino’s pizza k) he got a job as a counterperson at mcdonalds l) he got a job as a counterperson at burger king m) he got a job as a counterperson at wendy’s n) he got a job as a counterperson at arby’s roast beef o) he got a job as a telemarketer p) he became an assassin for hire, taking all jobs offered q) he became an assassin for hire,only killing bad people r) he became a serial killer, killing strangers at random s) he became a serial killer, only killing bad people t) he became a wandering minstrel u) he traveled from town to town, doing good deeds v) he traveled from town to town, righting wrongs w) he traveled from town to town, panhandling x) he became a hermit and lived in the desert with a bobcat and a boa constrictor y) he became a homeless crackhead z) other (specify___________)

the lost friend

by nick nelson

woodrow wilson and herbert hoover were best friends for twenty-three years. one day herbert hoover disappeared. woodrow wilson went down to city hall to apply for a new friend. the clerk had a name tag which identified her as sally brown. she had a no nonsense manner. this friend of yours, she asked woodrow wilson, what was his number? his name was herbert hoover. i did not ask you that, i asked you what his number was. i do not know. he was your best friend for twenty-three years, and you do not know his number? no, i never asked. do you know your own number? it is on my phone. but you van not tell me it without looking at your phone? no, i am sorry. you people! sally brown exclaimed exasperatedly. what are we going to do with you? i am sorry, i am nor good at numbers. i guess not. did you report this herbert hoover person as missing? of course. when? yesterday, at four in the afternoon. all right, show me your phone. you will give it back to me, right? of course i will give it back to you. woodrow wilson handed his phone to sally brown with a reluctant air. .give me a second, sally told him. woodrow wilson looked around the vast cavernous expanse of city hall as sally brown checked the records. his whole life flashed before his eyes. he wondered what was going to happen to him, and when.

hate

by genghis gilgamesh

why do you hate me? excuse me? i said, is it as good for you as it was for me? is what as good as what? that ham and cheese sandwich i just made you. by the way, you are welcome for it. i know you were so intoxicated by its creamy deliciousness that is the reason you forgot to say thank you. you don’t have to be sarcastic about it. it’s all right. just all right? yes. come on, it is just a slice of ham and two slices of cheese between two slices of - what is this? - i guess it is what? whole wheat bread. you didn’t ask me what kind of bread i wanted. sorry about that. how is the mustard? it is all right. i like the other kind better - the what do you call it that looks like it has little things in it. stone ground? whatever. but this is o k, i wasn’t complaining. i am glad to hear it. back to my original question. i thought that was the original question. why do you hate me? because i hate myself. i thought so, but why do you hate yourself? because i was taught to hate myself by my fascist parents and by capitalist society. of course, what fascist things did your parents do? they brought me into the world without asking me, for starters. that is kind of a common experience. anything after that? they didn’t’ send me to prep school like i expected, but to the local high school with the peasants. they said dad was losing money but i never believed it for a second, and still don’t. well, that is a start. do you want to hear about why i hate myself? that sounds like thirsty work. why don’t you make me another sandwich. all right, but it might take a while as i have to get the stuff back out of the refrigerator. ham and cheese again? and i only have the one type of mustard and one type of bread. fine. i am easy to get along with.

bob and his friends

by nick nelson

bob b was just a guy. or so it seemed. he went his own way. his best friend was his dog, lightning, whom he had known all his life, because lightning was a year older than he was. his second best friend was mike, a martian. and his third best frtend was chumbo, a chimpanzee, now at this time, the imperial authorities had declared it a crime to be friends with a martian. but bob didn’t care, because that as just the way he was. mike was hiding out in an old abandoned warehouse out on the abandoned highway beyond the outskirts of town. when the sun went down, bob, always accompanied by lightning and sometimes by chumbo as well, would bring bring food to mike, usually cheeseburgers and fries, but sometimes a steak sub or a ham and egg sub. martians do not require much liquid, and mike could usually get by on rainwater he collected in a big old oil drum, but when there was no rain for a spell, bob would bring him a bottle of water as well as the cheeseburger or sub. sometimes bob would be stopped by the highway patrol who would ask him where he was going, and bob would say - i am just going for a walk to get some exercise and my dog needs it too, as he is getting old and can use the exercise and the fresh air out here beyond the city as well. the highway patrolpersons never suspected a thing, but just said , that’s all right buddy, you take care now and your dog too. and if chumbo was .with them, they would add, and your monkey too, even though chumbo was a chimp and not a monkey because most people do not know the difference. one brisk afternoon bob and lightning and chumbo were on their way out to the old abandoned warehouse when they noticed they were being followed not by highway patrol car but by a young woman on a bicycle. she rode up and asked them, where are you guys going? she had a name tag on her shirt that read - hi! i’m nancy. > bob answered as he always answered the highway patrol, that he was getting some exercise and fresh air and so forth, and nancy seemed to accept this. but she pedaled her bike no faster than bob and lightning and chumbo could walk, and kept moving a little way ahead of them and then falling back to where they were, bob suspected that she was an agent of the imperial security police, so they did not go alll the way out to the old warehouse, but stopped at the city line, and sat down and shared out the ham and segg sub they had brought for mike, and also the bottle of water they had, because it was the dry season. bob offered nancy some of the humble repast, but she politely declined, saying i eat healthier food than that - which confirmed bob’s suspicion that she was an imperial agent - and she laughed, but in a perfectly friendly way. the next day they got up earlier than usual and made the trip again, and saw no sign of nancy or anybody else, but when they got to the old abandoned warehouse mike was gone! and they never saw or heard from him again.