lonely

by fred flynn

the big guy exhibited little patience with the next item on the agenda - the loneliness epidemic. none of you could handle this yourselves? it looks like one plus one to me. a is lonely, b is lonely, put them together and there you go. nancy, why am i being bothered with this? we thought, nancy replied composedly, that given the percentage of the population that might be involved, we should run it past you. just as a formality. anything affecting over 25 percent of the population we usually submit, alice added. we have a rough estimate of 40 percent in this case, with some projections as high as 60 percent. just deal with it, the big guy ordered. we have a plan ready. shall we just proceed and read it into the record? please do. plan t-67-f. the committee’s plan to address the loneliness epidemic, requested by a 75 percent vote of the assembly, is hereby submitted and recorded, having been preapproved by the big guy. nancy cleared her throat and began reading, as alice sent the printed version of the plan into the scanner, all adult citizens of the republic will be invited, not required, to submit their names and serial numbers to a newly constituted department of loneliness. those who do submit will be issued a special code number for the loneliness department only. there will be no questionnaires or applications - only names and serial numbers will be submitted. the applicants will be sorted into two pools by number - odd and even. every wednesday at noon central time, each even number will be matched randomly with an odd number. if there are an odd number of applicants, the single applicant left over will be added to the next week’s pool and will also receive a gift certificate redeemable at any government store or cafeteria. as can be deduced by the lack of applications or questionnaires, there will be no sorting of applicants by age, sex, race, religion, or any other factor - the applicants, by applying, are in effect certifying that they are looking for a friend, presumably someone to spend time with and talk to - period. request a friend, get a friend. obviously, no one will be required or forced to accept the friend assigned. but each applicant will get only three chances. after three refusals, the applicant will be deleted from the pool and not allowed to reenter for a period of seven years. with that, nancy concluded the reading of plan t-67-f into the record, and also concluded the business of the day. alice got up and put the big guy on sleep mode. well, what do you think? nancy asked alice and gus. i think it is a really good plan, alice replied. i do not see any holes in it. i wish more of our proposals were that simple. gus? gus shook his head. i am not so sure. i think you will get a lot - a lot - of pushback from people who will want a little - just a little - input on what they want from their new friend. too bad, nancy said. that would destroy the whole concept . the beauty of it is in the simplicity. well, we shall see, gus said. he stood up. it has been a long day, alice turned the light off, and the trio departed, leaving the office in darkness except for the green power light on the big guy. good night, ladies. good night, gus. gus headed for the elevator which would take him down to the street. nancy and alice headed for the building cafeteria, which was conveniently on the same floor. tonight’s special was peanut pad thai, which they were both quite fond of.