hoppy

by dog e relaford

i never been to paris i never been to rome i never been but about a mile down the road from home a mule painted a picture a cat sang a song let me tell my story it won’t take long hoppy was a dinosaur who roamed the neighborhood they said i couldn’t take him down but i got him good the mayor gave a party to celebrate my feat the angel gabriel and his band gave the folks a treat a reporter from the city came and took my picture if you don’t believe me you can read it in the scriptures salome and her seven veils danced the night away and when the smoke and dust were gone it was just another day

three more

by nick nelson

alpha banana curious delta eggplant fainting gorilla * heavy indigo jolly kinetic llamas many nervous owls * ponderous quasars refractory suns today undervalued whales *

three

by nick nelson

trained deadly assassin buy one get one free * after all bouncing coordinated effort predators holiday * cantaloupe bargains dehydrated trampolines sadly neglected commisserators *

willie's party

by nick nelson

willie had a party he had it in his room it started too late and ended too soon he tried before with the best intentions with not many successes and a few honorable mentions deep in the darkness on the other side of town derek had a party too and it went down the nicest people came from miles around and had fun by the ounce and laughter by the pound the police showed up and so did the mayor a good time was had by all with no naysayers at willie’s party it started to rain everybody left but might come again red orange yellow purple green blue willie has a problem but will see it through

chairman - 6. quiz

by fred flynn

part 6 of ?

for previous episode, click here

to begin at the beginning, click here

do you like to take quizzes and answer questionnaires? eddie smith 1 asked eddie smith 2. of course, what do you take me for, some kind of neanderthal or barbarian? i am a good twenty-first century citizen, just like everybody else. well, maybe not everybody else. when i ask people if they want to take my quizzes and questionnaires, most of the time they give me funny looks or even get quite hostile. eddie smith 2 considered eddie smith 1’s complaint. they probably think you are some kind of police person or government agent spying on them. do i look like a police person or government agent? maybe not, but you never know. eddie 2 shrugged. be that as it may, do you in fact have some questions or quizzes for me? yes i do, eddie 1 replied eagerly, and produced a standard citizens phone from his shirt pocket. ready? ready as i will ever be. we will start with some yes or no questions. just answer yes or no, even if you think there might be some ambiguity or gray area. go with what is more than 50 percent. got it. do you love the whole human race? yes. do you love all living creatures? yes. would you walk across the street to save the human race from extinction? it might depend on what was in the street. assume the street is empty. yes. again, assuming the street is empty, would you walk across it to save all living creatures from extinction? yes. was your first supervisor in day care the nicest person who ever lived? yes. did you enjoy your first school? yes. did you like your fellow creatures in your first school? yes. did they like you? they seemed to. i will take that as a yes. did you enjoy your first job? yes. did you like your fellow creatures in your first job? yes. do you think the human race deserves to last for at least another ten billion years? why not? i will take that as a yes. do you think all living creatures deserve to last for at least another ten billion years? absolutely. thank you. that completes the first part of the quiz. if you are not too emotionally drained, would you like to proceed to part 2? put me in coach, eddie 2 asserted confidently with a swaggerringly cheerful grin. to be continued

chairman - 5. talking to the people

by fred flynn

part 5 of ?

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to begin at the beginning, click here

do you mind if i sit here? why do you want to sit here? the place is almost empty. there are a million other places you can sit. well, not a million. there are a lot of other places you can sit. are you lonely? what? get lost. according to the latest findings, there is an epidemic of loneliness in the world today. i just thought you might be lonely. i am not lonely. get lost, before i call the management. this place has a management? if it doesn’t , i will call emergency services. just stop bothering me, all right? is that what you do with your life, bother people? i just thought you might be lonely. i am doing research on the atomization of society preparatory to its dissolution and possible reconstruction. that sounds very interesting. but not to me. so get lost. hey buddy! hey buddy! over here! forget that guy, come over and talk to me. are you lonely? not particularly. you might say i am friendly. a friendly guy. i like to get out and talk to the people, you know? goodbye. i am sorry i could not interest you in my project. forget about him. what’s your name, my friend? eddie - eddie smith. eddie smith! hey, that’s my name too! small world, hey? no, it is a big world. there are just a lot of people named eddie smith in it. and a lot of people named mahmoud ali, and a lot of people named lee chan. ha ha good point. well, eddie smith, who are you, and what do you do, if you do not mind my asking? i am training myself to be emperor of the universe and chairman of the planet earth. and i like to ask people questions , particularly relating to the atomization of society preparatory to its dissolution and possible reconstruction. that sounds impressive. very impressive indeed. i am impressed. so what kind of questions do you like to ask? i am glad you asked that question, because… next

chairman - 4. history

by fred flynn

part 4 of ?

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to begin at the beginning, click here

i have made a profound study of history and the universe, and i only know two things: my mom is the nicest person who has ever lived. and donald trump is the worst person who has ever lived. everything else - who knows? who is the second nicest person who ever lived? it could be anybody, lost in the mists of time, or living on a planet in some expanding and exploding galaxy in some other dimension. who is the second worst person of all time? it might well be elon musk, but who really knows? after all, is it not incredible that the nicest person who ever lived, and the worst, should both live in each others lifetimes, on one tiny planet in the infinite solar systems and galaxies of the incomprehensible universe? think about it. last night. i had a strange dream, which might go some way to elucidating these mysteries. in my dream i was some kind of more or less human creature, sitting under a mossy tree in the foggy depths of a dark swamp, with a faithful doggy creature by by side, when suddenly i beheld a dim red light descending through the mist to a spot about a hundred yards away. as i watched, the red light stabilized. then expanded laterally - i realized it was the door of a space ship opening. a group of ten or twelve hulking figures emerged. i could barely make them out through the fog and mist. two of the figures detached themselves from the group and headed toward me and my dog (whose name, i now recall, was slug). the two creatures were donald trump and elon musk. they did not have the same shape and size as they did on earth in the 21st century, but i knew they were donald trump and elon misk. i wanted to run, but i could not move. they came closer… next