poem

by horace p sternwall

long ago, as they used to say over the hills and far away a knight so bold he never got cold met a maiden fair with long black hair the maiden’s name was sally brown folks said she was from out of town the knight was so smitten by her presence he forgot his essential essence sally had a winsome air and wanted to marry a billionaire and though the knight passed many a test he did not arouse her interest he got a job in a dollar store and has not been heard from any more his eyes still blink and his heart still beats and at least he does not sleep in the street

chairman 12 - eddie and joey

by fred flynn

part 12 of ?

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hello joey. i’m eddie. how are you today? not so great, thank you for asking. why not? i am the ruler of the universe, and i do not appreciate being brought here like this. how about that? i am the ruler of the universe too. so we should get along. i am the real ruler. let’s not fight. why don’t we just get this over with? i have a few questions for you so why don’t we get on with it? if i get the right answers, do i get a prize? there are no right or wrong answers. what kind of questions are those? there are always right answers, and i know them. that is an interesting thought. it might be the basis for a future quiz. but let’s do this one, i have it all ready. i want a prize. i will give you a prize when we finish. which will be what? it will be a surprise. but you will like it. now, here is the first question. are you a good person? i am the ruler of the universe. i will take that as a yes. do you love the whole human race? i play right field for the yankees. the right fielder for the yankees must love the whole human race. another yes. what percentage of the human race do you think loves the whole human race? i am not good with numbers. i don’t believe in them. which of these percentages do you think is closest? of people who love the whole human race? 5%, 20%, 75% or 100%? i don’t believe in percentages. humor me. pick a number - 5, 20, 75, or 100? 75. thank you. what percentage of the human race do you think just want what’s rightfully theirs? i know i want what’s rightfully mine, but i am not getting it. this is thirsty work. i need another glass of water. to be continued

chairman 11 - sense of humor

by fred flynn

part 11 of ?

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am i a good person or a bad person? i am glad you asked that question, because it is one that i have often asked myself. our people are currently working on it. when they come to a tentative conclusion, we will notify you. do you have my number? are you serious? no, it was just my little joke. i try to have a great sense of humor. excuse me, i have a message coming in. can i leave now? wait, this concerns you. good news - we have come up with a completely ordinary person for you to give your test to. they will be escorted here shortly. now if you will escuse me, i have more urgent matters to attend to. more urgent than me and my quiz? ha ha, you are right, eddie. you do have a great sense of humor. could i leave if i wanted to, and not wait for the completely ordinary person? goodbye, eddie. enjoy your interaction with the completely ordinary person. next

chairman 10 - joey

by fred flynn

part 10 of ?

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who are you? i am 875-524-8995-9 describe yourself. i identify as non-binary - neither male nor female. i identify as non-linear - neither flat nor round. i identify as non-mass - neither fat nor thin. i identify as non-visual - neither beautiful nor ugly. i identify as non-temporal - neither old nor young. i identify as non-historical - neither alive nor dead. here are some other things i identify as: ruler of the universe right fielder of the new york yankees quarterback of the san francisco 49ers winner of the nobel prize for literature for each of the last 20 years the nicest person in the world the best pizza chef in the world i love all creatures, alive, dead, and non-historical. that is enough about me. thank you. thank you, 875-524-8995-9. we have one final question. go for it. do you wish to be known as 875-524-8995-9, or as something else? joey. thank you, joey. we like the cut of your jib, and we have an assignment for you. if you complete it satisfactorily, we will give you a nice reward. next

chairman 9 - bad people

by fred flynn

part 9 of ?

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glass of water at hand, and without consulting his phone, eddie 1 began asking charles ashley the second part of his quiz . eddie began by giving charles the same instruction he had given eddie 2 - “we will start with some yes or no questions. just answer yes or no, even if you think there might be some ambiguity or gray area. go with what is more than 50 percent.” charles nodded his assent, and eddie proceeded: do you think that there are bad people in the world? obviously. i will take that as a yes. do you think that the bad people should all be locked up? no. why not ? because the world would then be one big prison, with nobody left to run it. golly, that is kind of negative, if you do not mind my saying so. say whatever you want. all right, i will not digress. next question: do you think all bad people should be killed? no. i think i know your answer, but why not? who would be left to kill them? i will try one more. do you think all bad people should be sent to reeducation camps to be turned into good people? ha ha ha. excuse me? that question is so ridiculous on so many levels i do not know where to begin to break it down. you know, mr ashley, with all due respect, i do not think you are the person to be testing or demonstrating my quiz on. what would you suggest? maybe you could pick a completely ordinary person off the street and i could try the quiz on him or her. you think i can do that? just have ordinary people picked up on the street for no reason? i think you can. you did it to me, didn’t you? and besides, you would have a reason - to test my quiz on an ordinary person. you know, i am not sure all this palaver is getting us anywhere. who are you anyway, mr ashley? i am sure you did not mean to be rude, but you did not really introduce yourself to me in any meanngful manner when i came here. you did not come here, you were brought here. oh. can i ask you another question? go for it. are you a good person or a bad person? next

chairman - 8. ice water

by fred flynn

part 8 of ?

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good morning, citizen. have a seat. thank you. you are edward j smith. of 33 chestnut avenue, apartment 4, waverleyville? that is me. you are unemployed? at present, yes. you live with, and are supported by, your mother? yes, and i appreciate it. she is the greatest mom, and the greatest person in the world. no doubt. you are a frequent patron of mcdonalds, burger king, dunkin, and other establishments on main street in the downtown area? you could say that. and you strike up, or attempt to strike up, conversations with people in these establishments and sometimes ask them to take quizzes? yes i do, but not as successfully as i would like. is there any law against it? you recently made the acquaintance of another person calling himself edward smith and you administered a quiz to him, one you had previously administered on other occasions to a mister vincent wallace and to a ms coral kennedy. “administered” makes it sound like they had to take it. they all agreed to take it. we have a recording of your conversation with this edward smith. i am going to play it back to you so that you can verify its authenticity. if you say you have it, i don’t doubt it. for the record, we want you verify it. whatever. what is your name, by the way? is it edward smith? no, it is charles ashley. charles ashey took what looked like a smartphone out of his desk and pressed a button on it and it played back eddie’s first conversation with eddie 2. does that sound accurate? i guess. nothing deleted or added? not that i noticed. good. now i understand that you had a second part to this quiz, that you were prepared to administer to edward smith number 2. that is correct. do you have this quiz on your phone? i could probably find notes for it. but i could just ask you the questions. wouldn’t that be easier? i suppose it could. but we may want to look at the notes later. can i have a glass of water? charles ashley sighed. oh, i suppose so. is it that big a deal? people in hell want ice water, i will take a glass of water without ice. next

chairman - 7 . the agents

by fred flynn

part 7 of ?

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eddie smith 1 took a sip of his glass of water. he tapped his phone. i am ready if you are, he told eddie smith 2. i said i was ready, eddie 2 replied genially. just then the door of the emporium opened and two persons - a short woman and a tall broad shouldered man - entered. they both wore the trench coat and fedora which were the effective uniform of the security police. they made straight for the table at which the two eddie smiths were sitting. are either of you eddie smith? the woman asked, as she took her phone out of her trench coat pocket. we both are, they replied together, eddie 1 with a straight face, eddie 2 with his trademark ingratiating grin. very funny. are either or both of you the eddie smith who bothers people by asking them questions that are none of his business? i strike up conversations with people, eddie 1 replied, and sometimes ask them questions. i believe that is my right as a citizen. the two agents laughed. and do you give them questionnaires to fill out? the man asked. i might, after asking them if they would like to do so. do you give them the impression that you ask them these questions in some official capacity? the man continued. i never say i act in any official capacity, eddie 1 replied stoutly. that is all very well, the woman said. but do you actually say that you are not acting in an official capacity? um - i try to keep the conversations on a friendly basis. the woman nodded. right. and do you happen to have one any of these questions on your person at this time, on your phone or otherwise? eddie 1 hesitated. yes, i do. great. come with us and we can take a look at them. i am agent dworkin, by the way, and this is agent khayyam. and you, the man identified as agent khayyam addressed eddie 2, where do you fit into all this? i was just going to answer some of this gentleman’s questions, which he politely asked me to do. and you do not ask people questions yourself? not in any systematic manner. i might ask someone if they knew the time, or the daily news or forecast. agent khayyam glared at eddie 2. if you say so. we will let you go. for now. agent khayyam took eddie 2’s picture. next