in the year 27134

by fred flynn

hello. good-bye. excuse me! why, what’s wrong? you know what’s wrong. i’m afraid i do not. you have grievously denied my existence. i never knew you had an existence. let us look at the facts. i love facts, they are my favorite thing. i said hello to you, and you responded by saying good-bye to me, an unpardonable rudeness among civilized people. you were already past me when i had the opportunity to respond to your unexpected - unexpected as i never saw you before you in my life - salutation, and as i am responding to the most desperate personal matter and have no time for your gratuitous nonsense, i naturally bid you goodbye. what would you have had me done? never saw me before in your life! are you not empathy irrigation cornerstone? i am one of tens of thousands with that name. what of it? and did you not attend the university of v———— school of communication in the year two of the new era, after the old king was so cruelly assassinated? i do not see that that is relevant. you say that you do not recognize me. do you not wish to know my name, that you can check it against the names in your memory bank? not in the slightest. there is no slightest about it. you either wish to know my name or you do not. what is going here? you two desperadoes are holding up the flow of the whole metropolis. this person is my twin sibling and has insulted me, and refused to validate my existence. i have never seen this fulminating entity before in my life. there seems to be a difference of perspective here. there certainly does! yes, so it seems. there is only one way to settle it - the old-fashioned way, by mortal combat. i am not a violent person, and have no familiarity with weaponry. bring it on. be that as it may, you are going to settle it here and now. i have only two sets of weapons with me - samurai swords snd and regulation 66-d ray blasters. i have never seen a sword or a blaster in my life. you have seen movies, haven’t you? everyone in the movies knows how to use a blaster. i know how to use one. i was an olympic silver medalist in the 600 meter blastings in the year ten, when our beloved queen was married to the king of t__________. excellent. here is one for you, and one for you. are they loaded? of course they are loaded. is there some kind of safety? here, let me see it. now you are all set. now i will count to fifteen. wait a minute ! how far apart are we to stand? as far apart as you like. the person whose name had not been asked, dropped the blaster and turned and ran up the ramp. the officer counted to fifteen and empathy irrigation cornerstone fired the blaster and blew the nameless individual to kingdom come and smithereens. thank you. i wish it was always this easy. you are very welcome. i am always happy to assist the security apparatus. you will have to come to headquarters and make a statement. i was responding to a desperately urgent personal matter when this unfortunate incident unfolded. in that case, do you promise to come down to headquarters at your earliest convenience to make a statement? i promise. thank you. traffic resumed.