trial and appeal

by nick nelson

the empire of zum had a population of 50 billion people, and these 50 billion people were in continual need of things to amuse and distract them. seven persons were selected at random to be tried for conspiring to commit treason against the empire. their names were alphonse, bobo, chesterfield, dufus, ectoplasm, fragonard, and gumdrop. after a trial lasting ten years which was reported on extensively throughout the empire, all seven were found guilty and sentenced to death. but each would be given a task to perform in a period of seven days, and if they performed it to the satisfaction of a panel of seven judges (each of the seven tasks had its own panel of seven judges) they would be spared, and allowed to resume their lives as citizens of the empires. the seven tasks would be assigned at random to each of the seven defendants. one would be given seven days to compose a haiku. another would be given seven days to draw a three panel cartoon with a setup and punch line. a third would be given seven days to cover a canvas measuring one and a half meters by two meters, with paint. a fourth would be given seven days to write a novel of 40,000 words with a socko surprise ending. a fifth would be given seven days to write a history of the empire. a sixth would be given seven days to write a history of the world. a seventh would be given seven days to write a book explaining everything. the seven days passed. dufus, who was assigned the painting, and alphonse, who had been assigned the history of the empire, were found by their panel of judges to have satisfactorily completed their tasks and were spared. the other five were scheduled to be executed on the birthday of the great leader and first citizen. a final appeal on their behalf was made to the supreme court by a single advocate selected at random from the 50 billion citizens of the empire. the chosen advocate, a barber named harry, argued that since none of the accused had actually done anything and that none of them had known any of the others, they should not be punished. the chief justice pointed out that the word “actually’ actually has no meaning, and that, by law, every citizen of the empire knew every other citizen of the empire, and the appeal was dismissed. <