annual review

by fred flynn

the inspection team arrived on time for its annual visit. all the inhabitants of building c-98 had been notified, and were in their rooms waiting to be summoned for their annual interviews and exhortations. rutherford b hayes, number 867-f, was housed in room 402. his number was called, on schedule, at 13:15. he took the elevator down to the spacious but rather bleak lobby of building c-98, where the inspection team had set up some folding tables and chairs for the interviews. inspector guy gisborne was seated at a folding table, and nodded to rutherford b hayes when he sat down. assistant inspector maid marian sat on a small chair on guy gisborne’s right. she smiled pleasantly but perfunctorily at rutherford b hayes. this won’t take long, guy gisborne announced. we just have to verify your information. i am sure you know the drill. rutherford b hayes nodded. he knew the drill. he would verify his information, be given a thirty second exhortation to be faithful to the party and to support the heroic efforts of the president, and allowed to go back to his room. your name is - rutherford b hayes. the last four characters of your identity? 867 - 4. very good. your favorite sandwich is - peanut butter and marshmallow your favorite show is - deep space avengers your favorite philosopher is - radford johnson bradhauser your favorite music is - alternate bluegrass do you prefer blue or green? blue do you prefer flat or round? flat and lastly, do you love or hate the human race? i love it. what! it says here you hate it! no, there must be some mistake. i have always loved the human race. but it says here you hate it. maid marian stood up and looked at guy gisborne’s notebook over his shoulder. you see, guy gisborne said, it says he hates the human race. maid marian nodded. why don’t we set him aside and move on to the next customer. very well, guy gisborne agreed with an ill grace. please take a seat in one of the chairs against the right wall, he instructed rutherford b hayes. the next interviewee was james buchanan, number 573-t, rutherford b hayes’s next door neighbor in room 404. your name is - james buchanan. the last four characters of your identity? 573-t your favorite sandwich is - tofu sausage with with persimmon mustard your favorite show is - ancient mysteries of atlantis your favorite novel is - the silent ones, by j j suzuki your favorite entertainer is - barefoot johnny wilkins do you prefer blue or green? green do you prefer flat or round? round and finally, do you love or hate the human race? i hate it no! it says here you love it! i am sorry, i have always hated it this is insupportable, guy gisborne exclaimed. maybe the two of them just got mixed up, maid marian said. yes, but we can’t just decide that on our own. we will probably have to file a report. why don’t we just move on to the next one, and if there is no problem - if! and if it is just a mixup between the two of them, maybe we can sort it out during our coffee break - i say! i will be damned if i will!