i was born a child and remained one for many years.
upon completing my education - the first stage of the universal imperial education - i was judged to be in the lowest ten percent of ability and was not marked for further education.
i was then assigned to the entourage of the duke of a_______, at that time the fourteenth or fifteenth largest entourage in the empire.
as you may remember, the duke took a great part in the political controversies of the age.
as i was originally quite small for my age i was assigned to the front row of the crowd which surrounded the great traveling stage that accompanied the duke on his travels around the outposts of empire.
it was the job of myself and my companions in the front row to cheer at the proper moments of the duke’s speeches , and to cheer at just the correct pitch of enthusiasm - loudly, but not too loudly, for some reason i never completely understood, or had any interest in understanding - something to do with acoustics.
i jogged along well enough in my appointed course, until, suddenly, i grew two feet in height overnight. i was no longer the proper height for the front row, and had to be reassigned to a new place in society.
there were no openings available in the back rows of the duke of a——————’s applause mob. i was sent back to base camp for a totally new reassignment.
i found myself in a squad of beaters, in the tiger hunting entourage of the rajah of b_______, amongst much rougher fellows than i had been accustomed to rubbibg elbows with in the civilized milieu of the duke of a_______.
the head beater, a chap named arthur. took a violent dislike to me, considered me a weakling, and resolved to rid himself of my inadequate presence.
arthur decided, one night when the entourage was breaking camp, to leave me behind in the bush.
i would be at the mercy of the tigers. but before i was abandoned, a recording device was inserted in my shoulder, so that arthur and his fellows could see and hear me being eaten by one or more of the beasts, and enjoy the savage spectacle.
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and so it was that i found myself alone on a windy plain on a cold morning.
i saw a figure approaching from the eastern horizon.
it was a tiger.
as it came closer, i realized it was not just any tiger, but the semi-mythical beast known as big joe, who had long been the especial target of the rajah of b_________ and of other mighty hunters .
the hunter who took down big joe would be celebrated as a mighty hunter indeed.
joe was not interested in devouring my scrawny person. and he took one look at the recording device in my shoulder and knocked it out with his mighty paw, as he did not wish to provide entertainment for the rajah of b_______, or any of his minions.
instead, joe adopted me as his pet. as i accompanied him on his travels. i was allowed to feast on the scraps let over from his kills. but found these not so easy to digest, and more often sustained myself on the plants and fungi growing in the veldt.
joe, of course, had the ability to make himself invisible, and this power he extended to me. in this way i witnessed, and participated in, many terrible scenes, which i will not appall the reader by attempting to describe.
joe finally died of old age. i was discovered wandering in the veldt by the famous impresario mr bramstead j pathwell, and joined his circus, in which i was featured for many years as “the man who lived with tigers”. “featured” is perhaps too strong a word, i was actually one of the humbler side attractions. but i was well fed, and had no complaints.
but mr pathwell’s circus, like most circuses, found itself a victim of changing times and tastes, and closed down.
on my own again, i found employment as a bus boy at a seaside cafe somewhere east of suez, where i continue to this day. i attempt to fulfill my duties to my employer with the same conscientiousness as i did to the duke of a______, the rajah of b________, big joe, and mr bramstad j pathwell.
and that, as they say, is all she wrote. i am sorry my tale does not, as of this writing, have a more thrilling conclusion.
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