brad's party

by genghis gilgamesh

brad had great parties. everybody liked them, and wanted to be invited to them. one night the party was just getting started. you could not say that all the most beautiful and most important people were there, but many of them were. brad himself did not usually show up, if it all, until things were well under way, but on this occasion he made a surprise early appearance. a few of the guests had noticed a couple of slightly odd things. one, no band was in evidence. and, a large number of tacky looking metal folding chairs were stacked up against one wall. but, you never knew what brad had in store. excuse me, brad announced, in the booming voice he could use when had to, i have an announcement to make. all the guests stopped talking and turned their attention to brad. we are going to do things a little bit differently tonight, brad continued. i have not ordered any liquor or food, nor do i have any drugs, hard or otherwise, available. also, there will not be any music, any dancers, any movies, or any other form of entertainment. the money i saved by not purchasing any of these things, i have used instead to employ the world’s number one security service, which now surrounds the building and will prevent any of you from leaving. also, i should mention that none of your phones or other communication devices will work, until our business here is completed. but, brad, sam smith asked, what is the business that has to be completed? millie jones piped up. yes, if we are not to have any food or drinks or fun, what are we going to do? we are going to solve the world’s problems, brad announced. solve the world’s problems! a couple of guests exclaimed simultaneously. that is what we are going to do, brad replied. and nobody is going to leave until we do it. brad took a card out of his pocket and began reading from it. here is the list, he said, of the problems we are going to solve, in the order we are going to solve them. first, climate change. next, overpopulation and the depletion of resources. then, inequality. moving on, sexism, homophobia, racism, tribalism, fascism, and organized religion in that order. finally, the alienation of humanity from its roots in nature, and the role of the arts in the new world. and, i repeat, nobody is going anywhere until we solve all of these problems. i think sexism and homophobia should come first, dr alice porter exclaimed, from the back of the room. brad ignored her. are we to have nothing to eat or drink at all? corinna, the international singing sensation, wailed plaintively. we have plenty of water, brad replied. and tofu and cheese sandwiches. nobody is gong to starve. then i suppose we may as well get on with it, sam smith sighed. at a signal from brad, a group of uniformed security guard types appeared and began setting up the folding chairs. a group of whiteshirted waitpersons followed and began setting up a table with bottles of water, slices of tofu, and cheese sandwiches.